Monday, May 09, 2005

Writers' strike ends, swoon begins

Negotiators for the Amalgamated Bowling Writers' Union and De Conqueroo Enterprises, publisher of The Illuminator, have announced a contract agreement to end a bitter strike that has shut down the paper for two weeks.

In a separate press conference, a spokesmen for the players' union, which was not a party to the strike against The Illuminator, denied that Illuminati bowlers had been working behind the scenes to prolong the labor dispute in an effort to prevent their scores from being reported. The spokesman confirmed, however, that the settlement includes a provision, unique in American journalism, that allows players to demand their names to be withheld in line scores.

Details of the settlement, and of the disposition of the paper's humor engine, which was said to be a major point of contention for the writers, were not immediately available.

The Illuminati Bowling Team was just slipping into its traditional late-season coma as the strike began. In the three matches that were unreported because of the shutdown, the team posted a 6-15 record, losing consecutive 5-2 decisions to the Hot Tamales, the Krackers, and Beaver Liquors. The team's record slipped to 55-50 during the three-week skid, which occurs just two weeks before the beginning of the league tournament.

Railbirds at Historic Stone's Lanes had a cynical take on the Illuminati's recent performance, suggesting the IBT bowlers were polishing their handicaps for the upcoming tournament. Observers pointed out that in the fall season, the team finished the regular schedule in twenty-third place yet nearly won the twenty-four team tournament, losing to Teller's after forcing a sudden-death playoff in the finals. "Everybody knows the Illuminati don't start bowling until the tournament," said Stone's bartender Matt Jagermeister.

If it's true that the Illuminati are sandbagging, anchor Don Corathers apparently didn't get the memo. He turned in a team season high and personal best series Monday night against Beaver Liquors, 181, 180, 200: 561. It was enough to secure one win; the Liquors took the other two games, and total pins.

In the May 2 match against the Krackers, Mike Peitz rolled a 197 to key the Illuminati's one win. On April 25 against the Hot Tamales, the team pressed visiting Department of Education official Trapper John "Trapper" Barth into action as a sub, and he turned in an unexpectedly competent 145, 151, 133: 429. Barth--who is, incidentally, the only active athlete in major sports who has a nickname that is identical to his given name--was paying an official visit to the team in connection with its application for accreditation as a degree-granting institution.

The Illuminati finish regular season play next week with a match against the surly third-place Dungeon Family.

Pre-tourney notes
League rules require substitute bowlers to have played a minimum of twelve regular-season games to qualify for the tournament. Of the IBT's five registered subs, only two--Jim Huneke and Chris Hunt--are eligible. Both will be needed in the May 23 tourney opener. Kim Graham is out with a probable headache, and Corathers has been summoned to Rome for an urgent papal consultation.

The lines

May 9
Palmarini--118, 132, 138: 388 (139, -1)
Graham--124, 161, 150: 435 (141, +1)
[Name withheld]--104, 112, 125: 341 (143, -3)
Corathers--181, 180, 200: 561 (157, +3)

May 2
Palmarini--126, 174, 96: 396 (140, -1)
Peitz--133, 197, 146: 476 (146, +1)
Hunt--165, 113, 134: 412 (140, unch)
Corathers--121, 175, 156: 452 (154, -1)

April 25
Graham--150, 138, 111: 399 (140, -1)
Barth--145, 151, 133: 429 (143, new)
Peitz--137, 149, 117: 403 (145, -1)
Corathers--147, 178, 160: 485 (155, +1)

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Humor engine in shop

This week's edition of The Illuminator has been delayed while repairs are made to the newspaper's humor engine, damaged by freak weather over the weekend. Team protocol officer Fermin Goodwrench, on loan from the Department of Education, advised the IBT that the pucker string was out of round and the ring blasters were corroded by snow. "If you fire this baby up," said Goodwrench, "she's going to blow."

Team sources said the repairs would probably take "about a fortnight."

"We were too funny for our own good," said Illuminati coach Dave Miley. "Now we're going to be serious."

The New York Times reported that Pope Benedict XVI issued a decree deploring past abuses of humor by the Illuminati and advising the faithful to adopt a dour, Teutonic countenance. "Zees bowlers cannot be allowed to laugh their way to perdition," His Holiness said.

Until repairs are completed, Miley warned readers to approach any apparent comedy in The Illuminator with caution. "This is humor from a defective machine," he said. "Our advice is, if it looks funny, don't mess with it."

Our colleague Mojo Hand contributed to this report.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Illuminati subdue Having a Ball, 5-2

Led by a brilliant, handicap-busting series by sub Kevin Pittsnogle, the Illuminati Bowling Team turned back a scrappy Having a Ball foursome, 5-2, in Tavern League action at Stone's Lanes Monday night. The IBT improved their record to 49-35 and kept the league lead in sight as the season entered its home stretch.

Pittsnogle, a 6-10 sharpshooting center who led West Virginia to the threshold of the Final Four in this year's NCAA basketball tournament, shocked the sports world two weeks ago by announcing he was giving up his final year of college eligibility to bowl for the Daylight Photo team in the Stone's Tuesday 10 for 10 league. He has also been working as a sub for the Illuminati, posting a 124 average.

Monday night he rolled a 144, 183, 134: 461 series, 87 pins over his average and enough to seal the deal against Having a Ball in the first two games. The IBT might have pulled off a seven-point sweep, but the usually steady Kim Graham and Don Corathers both went south in the last stanza, turning in execrable 112 and 113 games, respectively.

The lines
Palmarini--127, 142, 164: 433 (141, +1)
Pittsnogle--144, 183, 134: 461 (139, +15)
Graham--158, 142, 112: 412 (141, unch)
Corathers--155, 159, 113: 427 (154, -1)

Monday, April 11, 2005

First-game blues become rock'n'roll series, 4-3

A short-handed Illuminati Bowling team put an end to a three-week losing streak Monday night, scratching out a hard-fought 4-3 win over the oddly apostrophe'd Blue's Crew.

The IBT improved its record to 44-33 and clung to seventh place in the 28-team Stone's Tavern League, according to unofficial results. (The team's record entering Monday's competition was adjusted to 40-30 after a recalculation of Kevin Pittsnogle's handicap gave the Illuminati a one-pin win in one of its March 28 games against Stoned.)

The Illuminati went with a three-bowler lineup after regular starter Jim Palmarini scratched late. It looked like the reduced IBT squad was in for a night of lowdown gutbucket blues early on as BC posted an alarmingly easy 122-pin win in the first game. The Ills stuck to their game plan, though ("We're going to throw the ball at the pins," was the way Illuminati coach Dave Miley articulated it in a pre-game interview) and pulled out 12-pin and 29-pin wins in the second and third games.

All of the Blue's Crew bowlers were substantially north of their averages in game one, but the IBT coaching staff was especially impressed with the performance of Amanda "Blue" Webster, who is, not to put too fine a point on it, extravagantly pregnant. Barry Bonds, the Illuminati strength and conditioning coach, theorized that Webster's increased central body mass gives her a ballast advantage that actually improves the stability of her delivery, in spite of her slight waddle.

Late Monday night Bonds was reported to be preparing a recommendation that the Illuminati experiment with a pregnant bowler next season, but clubhouse sources said the idea was not being well received among qualified members of the lineup.

The IBT continues its tour of the league's second division next week, facing 25-45 Having a Ball in a 7:00 p.m. Monday matchup. Tickets are still available.

The lines
Palmarini (blind)--130, 130, 130: 390 (140, unch)
Graham--147, 159, 112: 418 (142, unch)
Peitz--143, 150, 148: 441 (146, unch)
Corathers--146, 146, 149: 441 (156, unch)

Monday, April 04, 2005

IBT finally stops its slide down the standings

The Illuminati Bowling Team, along with the rest of the Tavern League at Historic Stone's Lanes, was idle this week. Play resumes next Monday with the IBT vs. Blue's Crew.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Illuminati trip, 7-0, blame new pants

The Illuminati Bowling Team's flirtation with haute couture seems likely to come to an abrupt end.

The team unveiled its new line of home uniforms, created by Illuminati fashion director Dale Earnhardt Jr., with great fanfare at a Monday afternoon press conference. Hours later, wearing the Earnhardt designs for the first time, the IBT dropped a 7-0 moaner to tenth-place Stoned in a Tavern League matchup, and Illuminati bowlers were complaining privately that the uniforms were at least partly to blame.


IBT bowlers Kim Graham and Susan Doremus modeling the team's new home uniforms at a press conference Monday afternoon. After Monday night's match with Stoned, team members said the Dale Earnhardt designs were impossible to bowl in. (Photo by Sarah Corathers)
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A radical departure from traditional bowling wear, the uniforms are inspired, according to Earnhardt, by the traditional garb of the Hmong people of Southeast Asia. They feature brightly colored natural fibers assembled in Mondrian-like patterns, with closely fitted tops and flowing pantaloons. They are heavily accessorized.


Clearly some adjustments will have to be made. Two IBT bowlers had trouble with the loose drape of their new togs, repeatedly losing track of their balls in the billowing folds of their trousers as they approached the foul line. The flowing scarves and unwieldy eleven-pound turban-like headgear were also a challenge, and team members complained with some heat about Earnhardt's insistence that they wear Ferragamo pumps instead of the traditional Day-Glo bowling shoes.

It didn't help that the Stoned foursome were uncharacteristically on top of their game. Their leadoff bowler Blanton used a trebuchet-like release to hurl a twelve-pound ball at 108 m.p.h., according to the league-sanctioned radar gun, and number two man Brandon (all of the Stoned bowlers use only one name) rolled a 159, 158, 165: 482, well over his 145 average.

Jim Huneke led the Illuminati with a 178 high game. The IBT's record slid to 38-32.

Earnhardt, a celebrated NASCAR driver who this year began marketing a line of competition clothing and children's wear under the brand name Little E, could not be reached for comment Monday night.

The Illuminati have an off night next Monday under a Stone's Tavern League agreement with the Cincinnati Reds, who open their season with a game against the New York Mets that afternoon.

The lines
Hunt--144, 166, 117: 427 (141, +2)
Huneke--131, 178, 114: 423 (144, -1)
Corathers--165, 148, 146: 459 (157, unch)
Pittsnogle--138, 99, 137: 374 (124, new)

Monday, March 21, 2005

Illuminati lose, 5-2, as sale rumors swirl

The lluminati Bowling Team’s front office staff worked hard Monday to squelch rumors that a majority interest in the venerable sports franchise was about to go on the auction block, even as city and county officials pledged to buy the team, if necessary, to keep it in Cincinnati.

Meanwhile on the hardwood, the IBT lost a hard-fought series to The Ligers, 5-2.



Who owns the Illuminati Bowling Team? Sports business analysts say the interlocking complexities of the team's ownership structure, and the fact that some of the owners have not been seen in public since the eleventh century, will make a sale difficult to negotiate. (Click to enlarge)
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“The team is not for sale. Period,” said Illuminati general manager Alistair Crowley III. “The Illuminati organization is deeply rooted in Cincinnati. This is our home. Short of an apocalypse of some kind, we’re not going anywhere.”

Sports business analysts also pooh-poohed the sale rumor, pointing out that the interlocking complexities of the team’s ownership structure and the pervasive secrecy of its majority partners would make negotiations extremely difficult. “I mean, who are you going to call?” said one attorney—presumably rhetorically--who was involved in the recent sale of the Montreal Expos. “It’s not like you can look in the Yellow Pages under ‘Satan’s Minions.’ ”

City and county officials nevertheless moved swiftly to signal their readiness to step in, if necessary, to prevent the team from moving. Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune urged the commission to form an Illuminati Bowling Team Task Force to explore purchasing the IBT. There were signs, however, that Portune’s proposal may receive a chilly reception from his Republican colleagues on the commission.

“It’s not gonna happen,” said Commissioner Phil Heimlich. “As long as there’s a Republican majority on this commission, we’re not going to enter into any limited partnership deals with the Prince of Darkness. We’ve got Mike Brown, and that’s enough.”

Under a generally accepted formula, the value of a sports franchise is set at about seven times its annual revenues. That would place the sale price of the Illuminati at more than $600. Analysts say the team is worth much more to the local economy, though. “Hell, I know for a fact that one of the team members spends that much on peppermint schnapps all by himself in the course of a season,” said one observer of the city’s bowling scene.

At Historic Stone’s Lanes Monday night, the IBT dropped two of three games and total pins to The Ligers (who are, incidentally named for a fictitious animal, the product of an unlikely liaison between a lion and a tiger). The Illuminati’s record sagged to 38-25, still good enough, according to unofficial standings, to keep them in the top five. IBT anchor Don Corathers turned in a nice 181, 161, 173: 515, the team’s first 500 series of the season.

Next week the Illuminati face the evocatively named Stoned, who carry, not too surprisingly, a bloated 248 handicap. IBT coach Dave Miley faces some lineup issues, with regulars Mike Peitz, Jim Palmarini, and Kim Graham unavailable because they’ll be in Washington testifying before a Congressional committee on steroid use in the Tavern League Monday afternoon.

The lines
Palmarini—126, 122, 124: 372 (141, -3)
Peitz—134, 143, 173: 450 (146, +1)
Graham—145, 143, 112: 400 (142, -1)
Corathers—181, 161, 173: 515 (157, +2)

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


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Is Christ a ringer?

The Illuminati Bowling Team lost a hard-fought series to the Miller Lite Road Crew, 5-2, in Stone's Tavern League action Monday night among charges, countercharges, and sharp recriminations about the identity and eligibility of one of the MLRC bowlers. Illuminati consultant Bob Huggins said the IBT is exploring its options and there's a good chance the team will file a formal protest with the league.

The furor whipped around the MLRC's number two bowler, who is registered with the league under the name Christ.

Sources told The Illuminator there are are two different infractions the Illuminati want the league to investigate. The first has to do with with eligibility rules: the IBT will argue that as a matter of fairness and equity no team should be allowed to have a deity in their lineup.

Huggins acknowledged that nothing in the league rules specifically prohibits a team from penciling in a god, demigod, or supernatural figure. "But let's just use some common sense here," he said. "I know this is supposed to be a mixed league, but jeez. Pardon the expression."

The second and more serious allegation leveled by the IBT was that the Christ who bowled for the Miller team Monday night was not the same bowler who had competed in the previous seven weeks of league action.

"The old Christ, let's just call him the old Christ, had a 129 average and sucked," Huggins said. "Tonight's Christ was throwing a PBA-grade hook with pinpoint accuracy. You figure it out."

Christ did bowl well Monday, turning in a 180, 149, 141: 470, or 83 pins over his average.

"I don't want to get into a big teleological thing here," an MLRC team member said. But he pointed out that Christ's pins-over-average total was actually lower than the numbers posted by Illuminati sub Chris Hunt last week. "And hey, I don't see anybody serving up any burnt offerings to him."

It was impossible to confirm another aspect of the Illuminati complaint, that the MLRC team had what some observers described as an endless supply of loaves and fishes on their team table, an apparent violation of the strictly enforced house rule on bringing in outside food.

League officials had no comment. "I don't know anything about any of that," said league president Terri Reed. "I just run the Split the Pot game."

The dispute clouded a fiercely contested night of bowling that saw the Illuminati turn in an outstanding scratch 657 in the first game, only to lose to Miller--who had a 46-pin handicap advantage--by 38. MLRC won the second game by 51 before the IBT rebounded in the third set for a 40-pin win. Miller took total pins.

The Illuminati's record stands at 36-20 going into next week's match with the league-leading Ligers. Team strategists are troubled by the fact that nobody in the league seems to know what "Ligers" means.

The lines
Graham--163, 154, 126: 443 (143, +1)
Huneke--172, 146, 147: 465 (145, +5)
Peitz--167, 138, 130: 435 (146, +1)
Corathers--155, 153, 170: 478 (155, unch)

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Illuminati frustrate Dry Humps, 7-0

Buoyed by an outstanding performance by last-minute sub Christopher "Marketing Weasel" Hunt, who bowled a a gaudy 89 pins over his average on the night, the Illuminati Bowling Team overcame a big handicap deficit to sweep the Dry Humps 7-0 in Tavern League action Monday.

Although all three games were close until the late frames, the Illuminati won them going away, by margins of 72, 87, and 55 pins. The Humps started the evening with a 61-pin handicap advantage.

The Ills improved their record to 34-15 and tightened their race with Stoned, Beaver Liquors, and The Ligers for first place in the 28-team league.

Hunt was subbing for Susan Doremus, a late scratch (upper respiratory ailment) who was herself scheduled to bowl for Mike Peitz. Peitz was in Las Vegas representing the Tavern League in talks with officials of the Caesar's Palace sports book. Carrying a 125 average into the evening's competition, Hunt rolled a 132, 156, 176: 464.

Next Monday the Illuminati face the mysteriously named MLRC, whose lineup includes, remarkably, a bowler named Christ. Christ carries a 65 handicap.

Correction
Last week The Illuminator described the Dry Humps as an all-female team. That was incorrect. We were thinking of some other Dry Humps.

The lines
Palmarini--130, 144, 128: 402 (144, -2)
Graham--114, 172, 131: 417 (144, unch)
Hunt--132, 156, 176: 464 (140, +15)
Corathers--178, 155, 157: 490 (155, +2)

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Arthur's 5, Illuminati 2

A sluggish Illuminati Bowling Team surrendered to Arthur's Pub, 5-2, in Tavern League action at Historic Stone's Lanes Monday night.

The Illuminati, in third place entering Monday's competition, dropped to fourth behind the surging Beaver Liquors team, according to unofficial results. Their record faded to a still-respectable 27-15.

The Auburn Avenue team had no answer for Arthur's two hard-throwing lefthanders, Chris Gooden and Donny White, both of whom roll big, half-lane-wide hooks and have averages north of 180. The only bright spot for the Illuminati came in game two, when a Mike Peitz 174 and subpar work by three of the Arthur's bowlers opened enough daylight for a 30-pin IBT win. The other two games weren't close.

The Illuminati now must regroup for next Monday's set against the Dry Humps, an all-female team with an extraordinary 268 handicap.

The lines
Palmarini--146, 147, 162: 456 (146, +2)
Huneke--128, 129, 133: 390 (140, -11)
Peitz--134, 174, 148: 456 (146, +2)
Corathers--143, 144, 135: 422 (153, -2)

Season highs
Scratch game: Palmarini 189, Peitz 188, Corathers 187
Scratch series: Corathers 496, Palmarini 463, Peitz 456