Streaker of the house

The mysterious streaker who interrupted play in the Illuminati Bowling Team’s season-opening Monday night match against Delta House has been positively identified as former Speaker of the House and G.O.P. presidential candidate Newt Gingrich.

According to earlier news accounts, a large man wearing only a beret and a thong pushed past startled bowlers at the foul line, belly-flopped about forty feet down the lane, and then got to his feet and began a kind of slow, stomping clog-like dance until he was subdued by a crew of pinsetters. It took several minutes to bring the situation under control, at least in part because the man, who was identified as Gingrich today by Norwood Police, was covered with a sheen of oily lane dressing.

“He was slicker’n snot on a doorknob,” said chief pin boy Arnold Potato. “Other thing was, none of us didn’t want to touch him anyway.”

The Gingrich campaign has not yet made an official statement about the candidate’s behavior, which was considered unusual even by the relaxed standards of Historic Stone’s Lanes. “He’s been under a lot of stress,” one aide said, on condition of anonymity.

No one required medical attention after the incident, although Illuminati team member Michael Peitz, who was bowling on Lane 27 when Gingrich skidded down the alley, needed a shot of Southern Comfort before he was able to continue.

Delta House won the opening night series 5-2, in spite of uncommonly consistent bowling by the IBT and a 185 high game turned in by Steve Nelson.

Game 1: Illuminati 791, Delta House 693

Game 2: Delta House 757, Illuminati 709

Game 3: Delta House 885, Illuminati 832

Total pins: Delta House 2335, Illuminati 2332

Line score

Nelson--185, 105, 144: 434; avg 144 (new)

Peitz--109, 132, 155: 396; avg 132 (new)

Talkington--151, 132, 176: 459; avg 153 (new)

Corathers--144, 138, 155: 437; avg 145 (new)

Dog eats Illuminati's homework

Illuminati Bowling Team officials were at a loss to explain how a small Tennessee beagle destroyed the team’s entire archive of records for the 2010 fall season, but were standing by their story today.

The dog, a two-year-old brindled beagle named Junebug, apparently broke into the team’s clubhouse sometime after Monday night’s season opener, which the Illuminati lost 5-2 to Blackout on 4. He was found by the team’s janitor Wednesday morning, resting on a file folder that had once contained the the team's recent scoring records and league standing sheets.

Team scorekeeper Arnaud Laboiteux was able to recover the score sheet from Monday night’s games from a deposit the beagle had made in the corner of the office. Laboiteux said the document was “soiled, but mostly readable.”

Remarkably, the dog also apparently used the team’s laptop to delete all of the files containing The Illuminator’s reports on 2010 competition from Google’s Blogspot server.

“He’s a smart dog, that one,” Laboiteux said.

Junebug was reportedly being transported back to his home in Bristol, Tennessee, where he had escaped from the kennels of super-beagle breeder Malcolm J. Wilson on January 10.

The lines
The unofficial line score on Monday night’s games, reconstructed from the recovered document:
Michael Peitz—150, 118, 113: 381; avg 127 (new)
Jim Talkington—168, unknown*, 127: unknown; estimated avg 135 (new)
Steve Nelson—121, 124, 135: 380; avg 127 (new)
Don Corathers—147, 148, 152: 447; avg 149 (new)

*Score partially obscured by fecal matter

Illuminati Bowling Team sponsors songwriting contest

Mindful of its responsibility to support literary and artistic excellence as well as athletic achievement, the Illuminati Bowling Team today announced the first annual Tenpin Alley Songwriting Contest. The official rules:

1. Any style of music is eligible.

2. To be considered for the secret grand prize, submitted songs must address one of the following themes:

a. “Enterprise Rent A Car Canada--does that company suck or what?”

b. “The idiots who run Enterprise Rent A Car Canada.”

c. “Why I’ll never rent another car from Enterprise Rent A Car Canada.”

d. “Come to think of it, I’m going to just stay the hell out of Ontario all together.”

e. “If Toronto needed an enema, I know where the insertion point would be, and its initials are E.R.A.C.C.”

3. Anyone may enter except employees of Enterprise Rent A Car Canada and members of their immediate families.

4. Entries should be recorded in MP3 format and submitted on compact disk, with a lyric sheet in English, to: Song Contest, Enterprise Rent A Car Canada, 1 Arbitrary Way, Toronto, Canada M5W 4L9.

5. Contest deadline: March 1, 2010.

Illuminati Director of Marketing Mark McGwire said a description of the grand prize is being withheld to prevent the contest judges from being flooded with insincere entries. “The winner will find out what the prize is when everybody else does, when it’s awarded,” McGwire said. “It’s something really nice.”

In bowling news, the IBT performed an exhibition of mediocrity of uncommon purity in dropping a 7-0 decision to the minimally skilled I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter team Monday night. The only blemishes on the Illuminati’s almost perfectly bad series were above-average games turned in by Michael Peitz (191) and Jim Talkington (196).

The lines
Talkington—101, 131, 196: 428; avg 145 (-2)
Peitz—191, 158, 107: 456; avg 136 (+8)
Palmarini—133, 157, 136: 426; avg 141 (+1)
Corathers—159, 146, 146: 451; avg 164 (-7)

Next week
The Illuminati vs. The Slut Family

Illuminati bowler jailed in jukebox mayhem

One bowler was arrested and the Illuminati Bowling Team was forced to forfeit game three in its Monday night series with Jagerbowl after a bizarre incident involving an attack on the Historic Stone’s Lanes jukebox.

Witnesses said a man charged the digital jukebox and smashed it with a sixteen-pound bowling ball shortly after the machine began to play the seventeen-minute album version of Meat Loaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” for the third consecutive time. The assailant could not be positively identified, but was believed to be a member of the Illuminati team. Norwood Police said the man they arrested gave his name as James Ochocinco, but IBT officials insisted they do not have a player by that name on their roster.

“We have a lot of Jims,” said Illuminati Director of Moderation Bob Huggins, who was present to keep an eye on things during the match with the hard-drinking Jagerbowl team. “But we don’t know that one.”

The incident occurred during the seventh frame of the third and final game of the series. Police were on the scene quickly and subdued Ochocinco without incident. The teams resumed play with Ochocinco attempting to bowl while handcuffed to a Norwood Police detective, but the men were unable to improvise the intricate choreography required and after two dangerously errant balls the game was declared a forfeit.

A man identified as James Ochocinco (left) attempts to bowl while handcuffed to an unidentified Norwood Police detective in Monday night Tavern League action.

The IBT posted a 5-2 loss, bringing their season record to 5-9 after an official scorekeeper’s ruling awarded two points that had earlier been credited to the Illuminati to last week’s opponent, the Ballbusters.

The scoring change and the jukebox incident cast a pall over what had been planned as a celebratory evening, marking the return of Illuminati veteran Kim Graham, who retired two years ago to pursue a career as a professional pinochle player. Graham, who rolled a 373 series, is scheduled in the Illuminati lineup several times this season.

The lines

Talkington—144, 146, 115: 405; avg 147 (-12)

Peitz—155, 135, 126: 416; avg 128 (+10)

Graham—122, 141, 110: 373: avg 124 (new)

[Name withheld]—138, 184, 172: 494; avg 171 (-7)

Next week

The Illuminati vs. Nice Balls and Racks

Illboys strong after long layoff

Fresh from a team spiritual retreat in Bhutan, the Illuminati Bowling Team ended an eight-month layoff with a 5-2 pasting of The Ballbusters on the opening night of the 2010 Tavern League winter season.

Three of the four Illuminati bowlers exceeded their 2009 season closing averages to carry the team to wins in two of the three games and total pinfall. The only team member who had an off night was Michael Peitz, who experienced persistent problems remembering his mantra at the foul line.

The lines
Jim Talkington--163, 141, 175: 479; avg 160 (new)
Mike Peitz--105, 121, 127: 353; avg 117 (new)
Jim Palmarini--145, 127, 148: 420; avg 140 (new)
Don Corathers--178, 150, 206: 534; avg 178 (new)

Illuminati smite Creationists, 7-0, in disputed match

Tavern League officials have been asked to mediate a dispute between the Illuminati Bowling Team and their Monday night opponent, a team representing the bar at the Museum of Creation Science.

According to the electronic scoring system, the Illuminati swept the match 7-0, but the Creationist team says that result is not possible because it contradicts the scriptural record. The fundamentalist museum has filed similar protests after each of its team's 34 losses this season.

"We smote them," said Creationist Museum attorney Mike Allen. "It's right there in the Good Book. I could quote you chapter and verse. We are undefeated because God says so."

In addition to the Biblical argument, Allen's complaint also alleges that the Illuminati team is not eligible for Tavern League competition because its sponsor, the Educational Theatre Association, is not strictly speaking a bar. The Creationist bowlers, he said, are all servers and bartenders at the museum's Answers in Genesis Tavern, where thirsty Baptists can refresh themselves after strolling through the museum's rigorously scientific exhibits.

The league has not yet scheduled a hearing on the protest.

The lines (provisional)
Nelson--128, 134, 112: 374; avg 124 (unch)
Kennedy (competing in absentia)--110, 110, 110: 330; avg 120 (unch)
Peitz--173, 128, 179: 480; avg 143 (+2)
Corathers--133, 172, 158: 463; avg 157 (unch)

Next week
Illuminati vs. The Raging Strikaholics

Punchdrunk Illuminati hope to sober up on Champagne

Reeling from a 7-0 pasting by the Shockers last week, the Illuminati Bowling Team rolls against the handicap-rich Champagne Ballers in Tavern League action Monday night. The Bubblies, 23-26, carry a combined handicap of 291, about a 70-pin headstart on the IBT.

The line for March 5
Nelson—133, 124, 131: 388; avg 123 (+2)
Kennedy—121, 108, 114: 343; avg 125 (-3)
Peitz—109, 96, 102: 307; avg 138 (-5)
Corathers—193, 145, 125: 463; avg 157 (unch)