Streaker of the house

The mysterious streaker who interrupted play in the Illuminati Bowling Team’s season-opening Monday night match against Delta House has been positively identified as former Speaker of the House and G.O.P. presidential candidate Newt Gingrich.

According to earlier news accounts, a large man wearing only a beret and a thong pushed past startled bowlers at the foul line, belly-flopped about forty feet down the lane, and then got to his feet and began a kind of slow, stomping clog-like dance until he was subdued by a crew of pinsetters. It took several minutes to bring the situation under control, at least in part because the man, who was identified as Gingrich today by Norwood Police, was covered with a sheen of oily lane dressing.

“He was slicker’n snot on a doorknob,” said chief pin boy Arnold Potato. “Other thing was, none of us didn’t want to touch him anyway.”

The Gingrich campaign has not yet made an official statement about the candidate’s behavior, which was considered unusual even by the relaxed standards of Historic Stone’s Lanes. “He’s been under a lot of stress,” one aide said, on condition of anonymity.

No one required medical attention after the incident, although Illuminati team member Michael Peitz, who was bowling on Lane 27 when Gingrich skidded down the alley, needed a shot of Southern Comfort before he was able to continue.

Delta House won the opening night series 5-2, in spite of uncommonly consistent bowling by the IBT and a 185 high game turned in by Steve Nelson.

Game 1: Illuminati 791, Delta House 693

Game 2: Delta House 757, Illuminati 709

Game 3: Delta House 885, Illuminati 832

Total pins: Delta House 2335, Illuminati 2332

Line score

Nelson--185, 105, 144: 434; avg 144 (new)

Peitz--109, 132, 155: 396; avg 132 (new)

Talkington--151, 132, 176: 459; avg 153 (new)

Corathers--144, 138, 155: 437; avg 145 (new)

Dog eats Illuminati's homework

Illuminati Bowling Team officials were at a loss to explain how a small Tennessee beagle destroyed the team’s entire archive of records for the 2010 fall season, but were standing by their story today.

The dog, a two-year-old brindled beagle named Junebug, apparently broke into the team’s clubhouse sometime after Monday night’s season opener, which the Illuminati lost 5-2 to Blackout on 4. He was found by the team’s janitor Wednesday morning, resting on a file folder that had once contained the the team's recent scoring records and league standing sheets.

Team scorekeeper Arnaud Laboiteux was able to recover the score sheet from Monday night’s games from a deposit the beagle had made in the corner of the office. Laboiteux said the document was “soiled, but mostly readable.”

Remarkably, the dog also apparently used the team’s laptop to delete all of the files containing The Illuminator’s reports on 2010 competition from Google’s Blogspot server.

“He’s a smart dog, that one,” Laboiteux said.

Junebug was reportedly being transported back to his home in Bristol, Tennessee, where he had escaped from the kennels of super-beagle breeder Malcolm J. Wilson on January 10.

The lines
The unofficial line score on Monday night’s games, reconstructed from the recovered document:
Michael Peitz—150, 118, 113: 381; avg 127 (new)
Jim Talkington—168, unknown*, 127: unknown; estimated avg 135 (new)
Steve Nelson—121, 124, 135: 380; avg 127 (new)
Don Corathers—147, 148, 152: 447; avg 149 (new)

*Score partially obscured by fecal matter

Illuminati Bowling Team sponsors songwriting contest

Mindful of its responsibility to support literary and artistic excellence as well as athletic achievement, the Illuminati Bowling Team today announced the first annual Tenpin Alley Songwriting Contest. The official rules:

1. Any style of music is eligible.

2. To be considered for the secret grand prize, submitted songs must address one of the following themes:

a. “Enterprise Rent A Car Canada--does that company suck or what?”

b. “The idiots who run Enterprise Rent A Car Canada.”

c. “Why I’ll never rent another car from Enterprise Rent A Car Canada.”

d. “Come to think of it, I’m going to just stay the hell out of Ontario all together.”

e. “If Toronto needed an enema, I know where the insertion point would be, and its initials are E.R.A.C.C.”

3. Anyone may enter except employees of Enterprise Rent A Car Canada and members of their immediate families.

4. Entries should be recorded in MP3 format and submitted on compact disk, with a lyric sheet in English, to: Song Contest, Enterprise Rent A Car Canada, 1 Arbitrary Way, Toronto, Canada M5W 4L9.

5. Contest deadline: March 1, 2010.

Illuminati Director of Marketing Mark McGwire said a description of the grand prize is being withheld to prevent the contest judges from being flooded with insincere entries. “The winner will find out what the prize is when everybody else does, when it’s awarded,” McGwire said. “It’s something really nice.”

In bowling news, the IBT performed an exhibition of mediocrity of uncommon purity in dropping a 7-0 decision to the minimally skilled I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter team Monday night. The only blemishes on the Illuminati’s almost perfectly bad series were above-average games turned in by Michael Peitz (191) and Jim Talkington (196).

The lines
Talkington—101, 131, 196: 428; avg 145 (-2)
Peitz—191, 158, 107: 456; avg 136 (+8)
Palmarini—133, 157, 136: 426; avg 141 (+1)
Corathers—159, 146, 146: 451; avg 164 (-7)

Next week
The Illuminati vs. The Slut Family

Illuminati bowler jailed in jukebox mayhem

One bowler was arrested and the Illuminati Bowling Team was forced to forfeit game three in its Monday night series with Jagerbowl after a bizarre incident involving an attack on the Historic Stone’s Lanes jukebox.

Witnesses said a man charged the digital jukebox and smashed it with a sixteen-pound bowling ball shortly after the machine began to play the seventeen-minute album version of Meat Loaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” for the third consecutive time. The assailant could not be positively identified, but was believed to be a member of the Illuminati team. Norwood Police said the man they arrested gave his name as James Ochocinco, but IBT officials insisted they do not have a player by that name on their roster.

“We have a lot of Jims,” said Illuminati Director of Moderation Bob Huggins, who was present to keep an eye on things during the match with the hard-drinking Jagerbowl team. “But we don’t know that one.”

The incident occurred during the seventh frame of the third and final game of the series. Police were on the scene quickly and subdued Ochocinco without incident. The teams resumed play with Ochocinco attempting to bowl while handcuffed to a Norwood Police detective, but the men were unable to improvise the intricate choreography required and after two dangerously errant balls the game was declared a forfeit.

A man identified as James Ochocinco (left) attempts to bowl while handcuffed to an unidentified Norwood Police detective in Monday night Tavern League action.

The IBT posted a 5-2 loss, bringing their season record to 5-9 after an official scorekeeper’s ruling awarded two points that had earlier been credited to the Illuminati to last week’s opponent, the Ballbusters.

The scoring change and the jukebox incident cast a pall over what had been planned as a celebratory evening, marking the return of Illuminati veteran Kim Graham, who retired two years ago to pursue a career as a professional pinochle player. Graham, who rolled a 373 series, is scheduled in the Illuminati lineup several times this season.

The lines

Talkington—144, 146, 115: 405; avg 147 (-12)

Peitz—155, 135, 126: 416; avg 128 (+10)

Graham—122, 141, 110: 373: avg 124 (new)

[Name withheld]—138, 184, 172: 494; avg 171 (-7)

Next week

The Illuminati vs. Nice Balls and Racks

Illboys strong after long layoff

Fresh from a team spiritual retreat in Bhutan, the Illuminati Bowling Team ended an eight-month layoff with a 5-2 pasting of The Ballbusters on the opening night of the 2010 Tavern League winter season.

Three of the four Illuminati bowlers exceeded their 2009 season closing averages to carry the team to wins in two of the three games and total pinfall. The only team member who had an off night was Michael Peitz, who experienced persistent problems remembering his mantra at the foul line.

The lines
Jim Talkington--163, 141, 175: 479; avg 160 (new)
Mike Peitz--105, 121, 127: 353; avg 117 (new)
Jim Palmarini--145, 127, 148: 420; avg 140 (new)
Don Corathers--178, 150, 206: 534; avg 178 (new)

Illuminati smite Creationists, 7-0, in disputed match

Tavern League officials have been asked to mediate a dispute between the Illuminati Bowling Team and their Monday night opponent, a team representing the bar at the Museum of Creation Science.

According to the electronic scoring system, the Illuminati swept the match 7-0, but the Creationist team says that result is not possible because it contradicts the scriptural record. The fundamentalist museum has filed similar protests after each of its team's 34 losses this season.

"We smote them," said Creationist Museum attorney Mike Allen. "It's right there in the Good Book. I could quote you chapter and verse. We are undefeated because God says so."

In addition to the Biblical argument, Allen's complaint also alleges that the Illuminati team is not eligible for Tavern League competition because its sponsor, the Educational Theatre Association, is not strictly speaking a bar. The Creationist bowlers, he said, are all servers and bartenders at the museum's Answers in Genesis Tavern, where thirsty Baptists can refresh themselves after strolling through the museum's rigorously scientific exhibits.

The league has not yet scheduled a hearing on the protest.

The lines (provisional)
Nelson--128, 134, 112: 374; avg 124 (unch)
Kennedy (competing in absentia)--110, 110, 110: 330; avg 120 (unch)
Peitz--173, 128, 179: 480; avg 143 (+2)
Corathers--133, 172, 158: 463; avg 157 (unch)

Next week
Illuminati vs. The Raging Strikaholics

Punchdrunk Illuminati hope to sober up on Champagne

Reeling from a 7-0 pasting by the Shockers last week, the Illuminati Bowling Team rolls against the handicap-rich Champagne Ballers in Tavern League action Monday night. The Bubblies, 23-26, carry a combined handicap of 291, about a 70-pin headstart on the IBT.

The line for March 5
Nelson—133, 124, 131: 388; avg 123 (+2)
Kennedy—121, 108, 114: 343; avg 125 (-3)
Peitz—109, 96, 102: 307; avg 138 (-5)
Corathers—193, 145, 125: 463; avg 157 (unch)

Champs team: quads or clones?

Officials at Historic Stone’s Lanes have frozen the bowling alley’s Tavern League standings while they investigate a complaint alleging that the Cunningham Quads, the four brothers who bowl for the phenomenally successful Champions team, are not identical quadruplets but in fact are clones manufactured in a North Korean military laboratory twenty years ago.










Carl, Lyall, Darrell, and Denzel Cunningham, l to r: All-American boys or instruments of a fiendish plot?

If the claim is substantiated, the Quads will be disqualified from competition under the league’s Earl Anthony Rule, which was adopted in 2002 after it was discovered that genetic material from the late PBA champion was being traded on the open market for as little as $5 a swab.

The Quads defeated the Illuminati Bowling Team 5-2 Monday night in a match that has been formally protested by the IBT. Entering this week’s competition the Quads had compiled a 31-11 record to lead the Spare Division. The Illuminati, at 28-14, were leading the Strike Division. If Monday’s result stands, they’ll be 30-19, and still on top of the division.

Illuminati science advisor Leonard Nimoy said suspicions were aroused by the bleating sounds the Quads made as they released the ball and when they celebrated strikes. “These goatlike noises in moments of physical stress and arousal are typical of what we’ve seen in the products of the Pyongyang experiments of 1986 and ’87,” Nimoy said. It is believed that North Korean scientists, working with limited resources and primitive equipment, used small amounts of goat DNA in attempting to clone human subjects. “The age of these specimens is also about right to fit that theory.”

League officials decided to act on the anonymous complaint after Champs anchorman Denzel Cunningham celebrated a 218 game by headbutting the ball return and eating a two-ounce bag of rosin. Nimoy said there were reports of other manifestations of goatlike behavior by the Quads, but he declined to elaborate “to protect the young woman involved.”

Nimoy also refused to engage in speculation when asked why the North Korean government would attempt to subvert an Ohio bowling league with cloned competitors. “Fiendish, isn’t it?” he said.

The lines
Nelson—107, 154, 108: 369; avg 122 (+1)
Kennedy—98, 126, 139: 363; avg 129 (-3)
Peitz—124, 142, 139: 405; avg 143 (-1)
Corathers—160, 169, 141: 470; avg 157 (unch)

Next week
The Shockers

Moderation pays off for Illuminati, 7-0

Club officials are calling the Illuminati Bowling Team's new bar monitoring policy a great success after the team steamrolled hard-drinking, cellar-dwelling Jagerbowl 7-0 in Tavern League action Monday night.

The Illuminati have won fourteen straight and are securely on top of the league's Strike Division with a 28-14 record. Bob Huggins, IBT vice president of moderation, attributes the team's recent success to a newly implemented policy of keeping track of the beverages consumed by athletes during games and discouraging overconsumption. "Great thanks are due to our tap nanny Susan Doremus," Huggins said, "who kept meticulously timed records of each teammate's visits to the bar."

The Jagerbowl matchup was considered an important early test of the strategy, because the Jager team had announced plans to counter the IBT's sobriety with a new drinking policy of its own. That wasn't a factor in Monday's games, as Jagerbowl's idea of temperance turned out to be replacing their regular Robitussin-like liqueur with a mixed drink that involved cherry vodka and Red Bull.

The advantages of the IBT's more conservative approach can be charted in the results: as the evening wore on, the Illuminati's winning margins grew larger. They won the first game by 65 pins, the second by 87, and the third, which was briefly interrupted when Jager anchor Greg Inamorato tried unsuccessfully to engage Doremus in an extravagantly complex high five, by 120.

Debbie Kennedy (two Edmond Fitzgerald Porters) was a standout for the IBT, rolling a forget-my-average 450 series. Don Corathers (three Bass Ales) had his best night of the young season, a 520 series with a 201 high game. Mike Peitz (two diet colas) turned in a consistent 464.

The lines
Doremus--113, 104, 94: 311; avg 104 (new)
Kennedy--155, 158, 137: 450; avg 133 (+18)
Peitz--151, 167, 146: 464; avg 145 (+3)
Corathers--170, 149, 201: 520; avg 157 (+4)

Next week
The presumptiously named but apparently pretty good Champions (24-11).

IBT routs Crabs, 7-0

The Illuminati Bowling Team opened a big jug of Kwell on a woozy We Got Crabs foursome in Tavern League action at Historic Stone's Lanes Monday night. The IBT took all seven available points and sharpened its record to 21-14 after five weeks of bowling.

We Got Crabs, which represents a tony new downtown Cincinnati seafood restaurant, emerged from a players-only team meeting after the match and announced that beginning next week they will compete under a new name, We Got Scrod.

The lines
Nelson--132, 119, 132: 383; avg 121 (+2)
Palmarini--136, 122, 110: 368; avg 132 (-10)
Peitz--119, 187, 128: 434; avg 142 (+1)
Corathers--179, 170, 146: 495; avg 153 (+3)

Other Illuminati averages
Kennedy, 115 (3 games)
Graham, 138 (3 games)
Huneke, 136 (3 games)
Doremus, 2 whiskey sours (0 games)

Next week
Fearsome divisional rival Jagerbowl

IBT embraces mediocrity, backs in to 4-3 opening day win

Outbowled but flush with a 248 handicap, the Illuminati Bowling Team opened the winter 2007 Tavern League season with a new lineup and a 4-3 decision over Kiss My Grits Monday night.

Unofficial results, subject to review by the sophisticated Compaq 64-based scoring system at Historic Stone's Lanes, show the IBT winning two of three games--one of them by three pins--and losing the point awarded for total pinfall. The Grits team's scratch average was 42 pins higher than the Illuminati's, but the home team's bloated handicap--47 pins bigger than the Kiss solicitors'--carried the day, or two-thirds of it, anyway.

New Illuminati regular Steve "Nels" Nelson made his first start for the team, rolling a 118, 80, 113: 311. Debbie Kennedy, who is between residences, phoned in a 120 blind.

The lines
Nelson--118, 80, 113: 311; avg 103
Peitz--142, 140, 149: 431; avg 144
Corathers--134, 188, 149: 471; avg 157

Partial score: Illuminati 0

BULLETIN: The Illuminati Bowling team did not perform well Monday night.

Strikeaholics 5, Illuminati 2

The Illuminati Bowling Team put in two and a half humorless hours at Historic Stone's Lanes Monday night and took home a 5-2 loss to Tavern League rival The Raging Strikeaholics.

Two games were close: the IBT took the second by eight pins and dropped the third by the same count.

Illuminati anchor Don Corathers paced the home team with a 193, 189, 151: 533, a team season high series. The team's record reached equilibrium at 21-21, six weeks into the thirteen-week season.

The lines
Kennedy--134, 105, 90: 329; avg 108 (+1)
Hunt--114, 176, 112: 402; avg 141 (-1)
Peitz--155, 138, 137: 430; avg 139 (+2)
Corathers--193, 189, 151: 533; avg 152 (+6)

Next week
Illuminati vs. Arthur's Angels

Lanes infested with tiny mimes

Stone’s Lanes Tavern League play was suspended for about forty-five minutes Monday evening when a colony of two dozen tiny whiteface mimes was discovered living inside the bowlng alley’s pinsetting equipment.

Before and after the mime delay, the Illuminati Bowling Team carved out a hard-fought 3-4 decision against a wildly unpredictable Stoned team. The Illuminati narrowly lost the first two games but won big in the third on the strength of a Jim Huneke 192, which was enough to give the I-Team a one-point margin in total pins.


A screen capture from the Lane 25 scoring camera
reveals one of the Stone's Lanes mini-mimes posing
as the headpin.

The mimes, each about eighteen inches tall and able to do a very convincing impression of a bowling pin, were discovered when one of them got his foot stuck in the thumbhole of a bowling ball and was carried up the ball return. Clearly injured, the mime nevertheless extricated himself from the ball, performed a brief glass box illusion for the startled bowlers, and escaped into the women's restroom, where he was later found hiding in a tampon dispenser.

Once the infestation was discovered, at least twenty other mimes were flushed from the pinsetting racks by Gutterballs, the disgraced bowling alley dog (see “League commissioner: Dog ate it,” October 6), now a hero.

Where the mimes came from, why they settled in the noisy and dangerous machinery, and how they have survived there for, apparently, several months are all mysteries that Stone’s vice president of operations Neil Bush says an internal investigation will attempt to solve. A retired Norwood police officer has been retained to lead the probe but so far has been stonewalled. “The mimes aren’t talking,” Bush said.

Investigators are pursuing a theory that the mimes might have been working for one or more of the Tavern League teams, attempting to affect the outcome of games by deflecting opponents’ balls away from the pocket, knocking down extra pins for friendly bowlers, and miming pins to confuse the scoring cameras.

Amitai Etzioni, a retired Xavier University anthropologist who hopes to study the Stone’s mime colony, was dubious. “Elementary physics argues against that scenario,” he said. “Those mimes weigh about a pound and a half apiece. For one of them to try to change the trajectory of a sixteen-pound bowling ball… well, if you think of it on a normal scale like you and me, it would be like standing in front of a ball the size and mass of a Volkswagen that’s coming at you at 220 miles per hour. If they are trying to control the ball these are very brave little mimes. Not very bright, but brave."

The Illuminati, who are leading the league's Split Division, improved their record to 19-16.

The lines
Kennedy--116, 105, 115: 336; avg 107 (+1)
Hunt--159, 113, 150: 422; avg 143 (unch)
Huneke--156, 135, 192: 483; avg 161 (new)
Corathers--131, 157, 173: 461; avg 146 (+1)

League commissioner: Dog ate it

A "normally very reliable" dog who was employed to maintain scores and statistics for the Stone's Lanes Tavern League has apparently eaten four weeks of bowling records, according to Tavern League commissioner Fay Vincent Jr.

Vincent said the league is working to reconstruct team records and individual averages and handicaps by interviewing bowlers "and through other means." Concerns about the reliability of the interview results were raised after it was revealed that more than forty of the league's 112 regular bowlers had claimed 300 games.

Efforts by a Homeland Security forensic team to recover the score sheets from the dog's waste output were unavailing, Vincent said.

The dog, a Yorkie-Labradoodle mix named Gutterballs, has been reassigned to work as a pinsetter technician and is receiving counseling, according to a Stone's Lanes spokeswoman.

The best available estimate of the Illuminati Bowling Team's record over the first four weeks of the fall season is 16-12. The unofficial league reconstruction of the record shows the following results:

September 11--Team with No Name 5, Illuminati 2
September 18--Mammy's Boys 5, Illuminati 2
September 25--Illuminati 7, Senor Exhaust 0
October 2--Illuminati 5, Having a Bawl 2

IBT 5, Freel and buddies 2

Working behind breakthrough games by Debbie Kennedy (146, forty-three pins over average) and Jim Palmarini (190, forty-nine over), the Illuminati Bowling Team defeated a rambunctious Ryan Freel and Friends foursome 5-2 in Tavern League action Monday night.

The lines
Hunt--124, 155, 117: 396 (140, -1)
Kennedy--117, 81, 146: 344 (106, +3)
Palmarini--151, 120, 190: 461 (148, +7)
Corathers--145, 177, 188: 510 (153, +3)

Palmarini's handicap dive saves win

Illuminati veteran Jim Palmarini came out of retirement to help his team Monday night and was immediately asked to lose one for the Gipper.

Palmarini took a handicap dive to help the IBT salvage a win in the first game of a divisional series with the Lost Corner Bar team. The Illuminati lost the night 5-2, but it could have been worse without Palmarini's heroics.

The handicap dive--known in some quarters as the pas de gutter--is a complex mathematical and athletic maneuver that involves bowling just badly enough to change the outcome of a game that has already been played. League bowling is unique among sports--and possibly unique in the entire universe of Newtonian physics--in providing a way for competitors to influence events ex post facto.

To work a handicap dive, a bowler has to begin the evening's series without an established handicap. Palmarini, who had not competed in the Tavern League this season, was the only eligible member of the IBT foursome. He attacked the problem with gusto, turning in a precision-rolled 166, 130, 129: 425 to lower his average (and inflate his handicap) just enough in the course of the second and third games to give his team a four-pin win the first. If he had converted one more spare, the Illuminati probably would have lost all seven points.

The IBT's record stands at 23-19 (7-7 in the Gutter Division).

The lines
Hunt--168, 164, 133: 465 (145, +3)
Palmarini--166, 130, 129: 425 (142, new)
Peitz--118, 159, 113: 390 (143, -2)
Corathers--158, 143, 192: 493 (150, +3)

Shaken by Veep's gunplay, Illuminati drop 7 to Dungeons

Illuminati Bowling Team leadoff man Christopher Hunt was in stable condition and resting at home Monday night after taking a shotgun blast to the backside from Vice President Dick Cheney.

The shooting, believed to be accidental, happened in the third frame of IBT's first game of the night against the Dungeon Family. Cheney, subbing for the factory-sponsored Jagermeister team on the adjacent lane, fired a round of double-ought birdshot into Hunt's posterior just as the Illuminati bowler released the ball.


Vice President Cheney.


Members of Senor Exhaust, the team that was bowling against Jagermeister, said Cheney had invoked an unfamiliar rule--which he said was common in the Wyoming alleys where he usually bowls--that allows the use of a small-gauge shotgun to convert particularly difficult spares. Cheney was trying to clean up a 7-10 split when the incident occurred.


Treated at the scene by Secret Service paramedics, Hunt was able to continue the game after a thirty-five minute delay. He rolled a 129, 168, 121: 418 and, remarkably, had the high series for the Illuminati despite an obvious hitch in his approach to the foul line. His teammates, apparently shaken by the shooting incident, bowled poorly and the team dropped seven points to the Dungeons.


Administration officials declined to comment on the shooting, saying they were observing the mandatory 18-hour delay in reporting vice-presidential gunplay.

"We don't even have to tell the Norwood Police about this until tomorrow afternoon," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "So why would we tell you anything?"

A source close to Cheney who insisted on anonymity assured The Illuminator that the shooting was accidental, pointing out that Hunt is a Republican. "We know this bowling team," the source said of the IBT. "We've read their e-mail. Believe me, if the vice president wanted to shoot somebody on the Illuminati Bowling Team, it wouldn't be Mr. Hunt."

Cheney finished his series for Jagermeister and turned in a (firearm-assisted) 212, 231, 197: 640.

The lines
Hunt--129, 168, 121: 418 (143, unch)
Kennedy--90, 94, 114: 298 (104, -1)
Peitz--125, 125, 132: 382 (145, -4)
Corathers--146, 118, 109: 373 (148, -5)

I-Team stomps Roy's Boys, 5-2

The Illuminati Bowling team crushed traditional Tavern League power Roy’s Boys 5-2 in the first divisional matchup for both teams Monday night. The Illuminati, who are on a 19-2 run over the past three weeks, polished their record to 21-7 overall. They’re 5-2 in the fiercely competitive Gutter Division.


Longtime Illuminati fan Isabelle J. "Peanut" Anthony expresses shocked amusement at her team's easy dominance over Tavern League rival Roy's Boys Monday night. (Illuminator Staff Photo)

Remarkably, both of the Illuminati wins came by the same score—802-756 in the first and third games. “Probably coincidence,” said team numerologist Benmont Tench, “but we’re looking into it. You’ve got to play every angle in this game.”

Monday’s competition also marked the first start of the season for IBT sub Susan Doremus, who rolled a 119, 129, 110: 358. Top performers for the I-Team were Mike Peitz, with a 166, 141, 164: 471 and Don Corathers, 144, 171, 162: 477. Chris Hunt, breaking in a new pair of shoes, slipped to a 124 in the middle stanza but managed a 158 and 151 on either side of it to finish with a 433 series.

The lines
Hunt--158, 124, 151: 433 (144, +1)
Doremus--119, 129, 110: 358 (119, new)
Peitz--166, 141, 164: 471 (149, +3)
Corathers--144, 171, 162: 477 (153, +2)

Illuminati 7, Bengals impersonators 0

The Illuminati Bowling Team ran its winning streak to six games and fourteen points with a convincing 7-0 pasting of an underprepared Who Dey Crew in Stone's Tavern League action Monday. The IBT, at 16-5 after three weeks of work, is in the catbird seat in the league's hotly contested Gutter Division.

There was speculation during pregame warmups that Who Dey, whose bowlers use the names of Cincinnati football players, might have some real Bengals subbing this week, but that was quickly deflated when they began lacing up their Day-Glo rental shoes: "Odell"--white guy. "Rudi"--white guy. "Chad"--white guy. "Carson"--ambulatory guy.

The Illuminati started with a 14-pin handicap advantage and held it through each game, never trailing and winning by 55, 27, and 22. Chris Hunt turned in a standout 180 game in the second stanza, 45 pins over average. Rookie phenom Deborah "Little Debbie" Kennedy struggled through the series, hitting a low point when she was flagged with an Improper Use of Furniture penalty during the third game.

The lines
Hunt--140, 180, 133: 453 (143, +8)
Kennedy--89, 88, 101: 278 (105, -6)
Peitz--142, 151, 116: 409 (147, -5)
Corathers--144, 167, 162: 473 (151, +5)

Season highs
Scratch game: Peitz, 190; Hunt, 180
Scratch series: Corathers, 473; Peitz, 472
Handicap game: Hunt, 238; Kennedy, 236
Handicap series: Kennedy, 666*; Hunt, 627

*The Illuminati Bowling Team acknowledges that 666 is a registered trademark of The Beelzebub Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton, Inc. The team is not in any way associated with His Satanic Majesty, and intends no infringement of Beelzebub's registered mark by publishing this score.