Reeling from a 7-0 pasting by the Shockers last week, the Illuminati Bowling Team rolls against the handicap-rich Champagne Ballers in Tavern League action Monday night. The Bubblies, 23-26, carry a combined handicap of 291, about a 70-pin headstart on the IBT.
The line for March 5
Nelson—133, 124, 131: 388; avg 123 (+2)
Kennedy—121, 108, 114: 343; avg 125 (-3)
Peitz—109, 96, 102: 307; avg 138 (-5)
Corathers—193, 145, 125: 463; avg 157 (unch)
Monday, March 12, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Champs team: quads or clones?
Officials at Historic Stone’s Lanes have frozen the bowling alley’s Tavern League standings while they investigate a complaint alleging that the Cunningham Quads, the four brothers who bowl for the phenomenally successful Champions team, are not identical quadruplets but in fact are clones manufactured in a North Korean military laboratory twenty years ago.
Carl, Lyall, Darrell, and Denzel Cunningham, l to r: All-American boys or instruments of a fiendish plot?
If the claim is substantiated, the Quads will be disqualified from competition under the league’s Earl Anthony Rule, which was adopted in 2002 after it was discovered that genetic material from the late PBA champion was being traded on the open market for as little as $5 a swab.
The Quads defeated the Illuminati Bowling Team 5-2 Monday night in a match that has been formally protested by the IBT. Entering this week’s competition the Quads had compiled a 31-11 record to lead the Spare Division. The Illuminati, at 28-14, were leading the Strike Division. If Monday’s result stands, they’ll be 30-19, and still on top of the division.
Illuminati science advisor Leonard Nimoy said suspicions were aroused by the bleating sounds the Quads made as they released the ball and when they celebrated strikes. “These goatlike noises in moments of physical stress and arousal are typical of what we’ve seen in the products of the Pyongyang experiments of 1986 and ’87,” Nimoy said. It is believed that North Korean scientists, working with limited resources and primitive equipment, used small amounts of goat DNA in attempting to clone human subjects. “The age of these specimens is also about right to fit that theory.”
League officials decided to act on the anonymous complaint after Champs anchorman Denzel Cunningham celebrated a 218 game by headbutting the ball return and eating a two-ounce bag of rosin. Nimoy said there were reports of other manifestations of goatlike behavior by the Quads, but he declined to elaborate “to protect the young woman involved.”
Nimoy also refused to engage in speculation when asked why the North Korean government would attempt to subvert an Ohio bowling league with cloned competitors. “Fiendish, isn’t it?” he said.
The lines
Nelson—107, 154, 108: 369; avg 122 (+1)
Kennedy—98, 126, 139: 363; avg 129 (-3)
Peitz—124, 142, 139: 405; avg 143 (-1)
Corathers—160, 169, 141: 470; avg 157 (unch)
Next week
The Shockers
Carl, Lyall, Darrell, and Denzel Cunningham, l to r: All-American boys or instruments of a fiendish plot?
If the claim is substantiated, the Quads will be disqualified from competition under the league’s Earl Anthony Rule, which was adopted in 2002 after it was discovered that genetic material from the late PBA champion was being traded on the open market for as little as $5 a swab.
The Quads defeated the Illuminati Bowling Team 5-2 Monday night in a match that has been formally protested by the IBT. Entering this week’s competition the Quads had compiled a 31-11 record to lead the Spare Division. The Illuminati, at 28-14, were leading the Strike Division. If Monday’s result stands, they’ll be 30-19, and still on top of the division.
Illuminati science advisor Leonard Nimoy said suspicions were aroused by the bleating sounds the Quads made as they released the ball and when they celebrated strikes. “These goatlike noises in moments of physical stress and arousal are typical of what we’ve seen in the products of the Pyongyang experiments of 1986 and ’87,” Nimoy said. It is believed that North Korean scientists, working with limited resources and primitive equipment, used small amounts of goat DNA in attempting to clone human subjects. “The age of these specimens is also about right to fit that theory.”
League officials decided to act on the anonymous complaint after Champs anchorman Denzel Cunningham celebrated a 218 game by headbutting the ball return and eating a two-ounce bag of rosin. Nimoy said there were reports of other manifestations of goatlike behavior by the Quads, but he declined to elaborate “to protect the young woman involved.”
Nimoy also refused to engage in speculation when asked why the North Korean government would attempt to subvert an Ohio bowling league with cloned competitors. “Fiendish, isn’t it?” he said.
The lines
Nelson—107, 154, 108: 369; avg 122 (+1)
Kennedy—98, 126, 139: 363; avg 129 (-3)
Peitz—124, 142, 139: 405; avg 143 (-1)
Corathers—160, 169, 141: 470; avg 157 (unch)
Next week
The Shockers
Monday, February 19, 2007
Moderation pays off for Illuminati, 7-0
Club officials are calling the Illuminati Bowling Team's new bar monitoring policy a great success after the team steamrolled hard-drinking, cellar-dwelling Jagerbowl 7-0 in Tavern League action Monday night.
The Illuminati have won fourteen straight and are securely on top of the league's Strike Division with a 28-14 record. Bob Huggins, IBT vice president of moderation, attributes the team's recent success to a newly implemented policy of keeping track of the beverages consumed by athletes during games and discouraging overconsumption. "Great thanks are due to our tap nanny Susan Doremus," Huggins said, "who kept meticulously timed records of each teammate's visits to the bar."
The Jagerbowl matchup was considered an important early test of the strategy, because the Jager team had announced plans to counter the IBT's sobriety with a new drinking policy of its own. That wasn't a factor in Monday's games, as Jagerbowl's idea of temperance turned out to be replacing their regular Robitussin-like liqueur with a mixed drink that involved cherry vodka and Red Bull.
The advantages of the IBT's more conservative approach can be charted in the results: as the evening wore on, the Illuminati's winning margins grew larger. They won the first game by 65 pins, the second by 87, and the third, which was briefly interrupted when Jager anchor Greg Inamorato tried unsuccessfully to engage Doremus in an extravagantly complex high five, by 120.
Debbie Kennedy (two Edmond Fitzgerald Porters) was a standout for the IBT, rolling a forget-my-average 450 series. Don Corathers (three Bass Ales) had his best night of the young season, a 520 series with a 201 high game. Mike Peitz (two diet colas) turned in a consistent 464.
The lines
Doremus--113, 104, 94: 311; avg 104 (new)
Kennedy--155, 158, 137: 450; avg 133 (+18)
Peitz--151, 167, 146: 464; avg 145 (+3)
Corathers--170, 149, 201: 520; avg 157 (+4)
Next week
The presumptiously named but apparently pretty good Champions (24-11).
The Illuminati have won fourteen straight and are securely on top of the league's Strike Division with a 28-14 record. Bob Huggins, IBT vice president of moderation, attributes the team's recent success to a newly implemented policy of keeping track of the beverages consumed by athletes during games and discouraging overconsumption. "Great thanks are due to our tap nanny Susan Doremus," Huggins said, "who kept meticulously timed records of each teammate's visits to the bar."
The Jagerbowl matchup was considered an important early test of the strategy, because the Jager team had announced plans to counter the IBT's sobriety with a new drinking policy of its own. That wasn't a factor in Monday's games, as Jagerbowl's idea of temperance turned out to be replacing their regular Robitussin-like liqueur with a mixed drink that involved cherry vodka and Red Bull.
The advantages of the IBT's more conservative approach can be charted in the results: as the evening wore on, the Illuminati's winning margins grew larger. They won the first game by 65 pins, the second by 87, and the third, which was briefly interrupted when Jager anchor Greg Inamorato tried unsuccessfully to engage Doremus in an extravagantly complex high five, by 120.
Debbie Kennedy (two Edmond Fitzgerald Porters) was a standout for the IBT, rolling a forget-my-average 450 series. Don Corathers (three Bass Ales) had his best night of the young season, a 520 series with a 201 high game. Mike Peitz (two diet colas) turned in a consistent 464.
The lines
Doremus--113, 104, 94: 311; avg 104 (new)
Kennedy--155, 158, 137: 450; avg 133 (+18)
Peitz--151, 167, 146: 464; avg 145 (+3)
Corathers--170, 149, 201: 520; avg 157 (+4)
Next week
The presumptiously named but apparently pretty good Champions (24-11).
Monday, February 12, 2007
IBT routs Crabs, 7-0
The Illuminati Bowling Team opened a big jug of Kwell on a woozy We Got Crabs foursome in Tavern League action at Historic Stone's Lanes Monday night. The IBT took all seven available points and sharpened its record to 21-14 after five weeks of bowling.
We Got Crabs, which represents a tony new downtown Cincinnati seafood restaurant, emerged from a players-only team meeting after the match and announced that beginning next week they will compete under a new name, We Got Scrod.
The lines
Nelson--132, 119, 132: 383; avg 121 (+2)
Palmarini--136, 122, 110: 368; avg 132 (-10)
Peitz--119, 187, 128: 434; avg 142 (+1)
Corathers--179, 170, 146: 495; avg 153 (+3)
Other Illuminati averages
Kennedy, 115 (3 games)
Graham, 138 (3 games)
Huneke, 136 (3 games)
Doremus, 2 whiskey sours (0 games)
Next week
Fearsome divisional rival Jagerbowl
We Got Crabs, which represents a tony new downtown Cincinnati seafood restaurant, emerged from a players-only team meeting after the match and announced that beginning next week they will compete under a new name, We Got Scrod.
The lines
Nelson--132, 119, 132: 383; avg 121 (+2)
Palmarini--136, 122, 110: 368; avg 132 (-10)
Peitz--119, 187, 128: 434; avg 142 (+1)
Corathers--179, 170, 146: 495; avg 153 (+3)
Other Illuminati averages
Kennedy, 115 (3 games)
Graham, 138 (3 games)
Huneke, 136 (3 games)
Doremus, 2 whiskey sours (0 games)
Next week
Fearsome divisional rival Jagerbowl
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
IBT embraces mediocrity, backs in to 4-3 opening day win
Outbowled but flush with a 248 handicap, the Illuminati Bowling Team opened the winter 2007 Tavern League season with a new lineup and a 4-3 decision over Kiss My Grits Monday night.
Unofficial results, subject to review by the sophisticated Compaq 64-based scoring system at Historic Stone's Lanes, show the IBT winning two of three games--one of them by three pins--and losing the point awarded for total pinfall. The Grits team's scratch average was 42 pins higher than the Illuminati's, but the home team's bloated handicap--47 pins bigger than the Kiss solicitors'--carried the day, or two-thirds of it, anyway.
New Illuminati regular Steve "Nels" Nelson made his first start for the team, rolling a 118, 80, 113: 311. Debbie Kennedy, who is between residences, phoned in a 120 blind.
The lines
Nelson--118, 80, 113: 311; avg 103
Peitz--142, 140, 149: 431; avg 144
Corathers--134, 188, 149: 471; avg 157
Unofficial results, subject to review by the sophisticated Compaq 64-based scoring system at Historic Stone's Lanes, show the IBT winning two of three games--one of them by three pins--and losing the point awarded for total pinfall. The Grits team's scratch average was 42 pins higher than the Illuminati's, but the home team's bloated handicap--47 pins bigger than the Kiss solicitors'--carried the day, or two-thirds of it, anyway.
New Illuminati regular Steve "Nels" Nelson made his first start for the team, rolling a 118, 80, 113: 311. Debbie Kennedy, who is between residences, phoned in a 120 blind.
The lines
Nelson--118, 80, 113: 311; avg 103
Peitz--142, 140, 149: 431; avg 144
Corathers--134, 188, 149: 471; avg 157
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Partial score: Illuminati 0
BULLETIN: The Illuminati Bowling team did not perform well Monday night.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Strikeaholics 5, Illuminati 2
The Illuminati Bowling Team put in two and a half humorless hours at Historic Stone's Lanes Monday night and took home a 5-2 loss to Tavern League rival The Raging Strikeaholics.
Two games were close: the IBT took the second by eight pins and dropped the third by the same count.
Illuminati anchor Don Corathers paced the home team with a 193, 189, 151: 533, a team season high series. The team's record reached equilibrium at 21-21, six weeks into the thirteen-week season.
The lines
Kennedy--134, 105, 90: 329; avg 108 (+1)
Hunt--114, 176, 112: 402; avg 141 (-1)
Peitz--155, 138, 137: 430; avg 139 (+2)
Corathers--193, 189, 151: 533; avg 152 (+6)
Next week
Illuminati vs. Arthur's Angels
Two games were close: the IBT took the second by eight pins and dropped the third by the same count.
Illuminati anchor Don Corathers paced the home team with a 193, 189, 151: 533, a team season high series. The team's record reached equilibrium at 21-21, six weeks into the thirteen-week season.
The lines
Kennedy--134, 105, 90: 329; avg 108 (+1)
Hunt--114, 176, 112: 402; avg 141 (-1)
Peitz--155, 138, 137: 430; avg 139 (+2)
Corathers--193, 189, 151: 533; avg 152 (+6)
Next week
Illuminati vs. Arthur's Angels
Monday, October 09, 2006
Lanes infested with tiny mimes
Stone’s Lanes Tavern League play was suspended for about forty-five minutes Monday evening when a colony of two dozen tiny whiteface mimes was discovered living inside the bowlng alley’s pinsetting equipment.
Before and after the mime delay, the Illuminati Bowling Team carved out a hard-fought 3-4 decision against a wildly unpredictable Stoned team. The Illuminati narrowly lost the first two games but won big in the third on the strength of a Jim Huneke 192, which was enough to give the I-Team a one-point margin in total pins.
A screen capture from the Lane 25 scoring camera
reveals one of the Stone's Lanes mini-mimes posing
as the headpin.
The mimes, each about eighteen inches tall and able to do a very convincing impression of a bowling pin, were discovered when one of them got his foot stuck in the thumbhole of a bowling ball and was carried up the ball return. Clearly injured, the mime nevertheless extricated himself from the ball, performed a brief glass box illusion for the startled bowlers, and escaped into the women's restroom, where he was later found hiding in a tampon dispenser.
Once the infestation was discovered, at least twenty other mimes were flushed from the pinsetting racks by Gutterballs, the disgraced bowling alley dog (see “League commissioner: Dog ate it,” October 6), now a hero.
Where the mimes came from, why they settled in the noisy and dangerous machinery, and how they have survived there for, apparently, several months are all mysteries that Stone’s vice president of operations Neil Bush says an internal investigation will attempt to solve. A retired Norwood police officer has been retained to lead the probe but so far has been stonewalled. “The mimes aren’t talking,” Bush said.
Investigators are pursuing a theory that the mimes might have been working for one or more of the Tavern League teams, attempting to affect the outcome of games by deflecting opponents’ balls away from the pocket, knocking down extra pins for friendly bowlers, and miming pins to confuse the scoring cameras.
Amitai Etzioni, a retired Xavier University anthropologist who hopes to study the Stone’s mime colony, was dubious. “Elementary physics argues against that scenario,” he said. “Those mimes weigh about a pound and a half apiece. For one of them to try to change the trajectory of a sixteen-pound bowling ball… well, if you think of it on a normal scale like you and me, it would be like standing in front of a ball the size and mass of a Volkswagen that’s coming at you at 220 miles per hour. If they are trying to control the ball these are very brave little mimes. Not very bright, but brave."
The Illuminati, who are leading the league's Split Division, improved their record to 19-16.
The lines
Kennedy--116, 105, 115: 336; avg 107 (+1)
Hunt--159, 113, 150: 422; avg 143 (unch)
Huneke--156, 135, 192: 483; avg 161 (new)
Corathers--131, 157, 173: 461; avg 146 (+1)
Before and after the mime delay, the Illuminati Bowling Team carved out a hard-fought 3-4 decision against a wildly unpredictable Stoned team. The Illuminati narrowly lost the first two games but won big in the third on the strength of a Jim Huneke 192, which was enough to give the I-Team a one-point margin in total pins.
A screen capture from the Lane 25 scoring camera
reveals one of the Stone's Lanes mini-mimes posing
as the headpin.
The mimes, each about eighteen inches tall and able to do a very convincing impression of a bowling pin, were discovered when one of them got his foot stuck in the thumbhole of a bowling ball and was carried up the ball return. Clearly injured, the mime nevertheless extricated himself from the ball, performed a brief glass box illusion for the startled bowlers, and escaped into the women's restroom, where he was later found hiding in a tampon dispenser.
Once the infestation was discovered, at least twenty other mimes were flushed from the pinsetting racks by Gutterballs, the disgraced bowling alley dog (see “League commissioner: Dog ate it,” October 6), now a hero.
Where the mimes came from, why they settled in the noisy and dangerous machinery, and how they have survived there for, apparently, several months are all mysteries that Stone’s vice president of operations Neil Bush says an internal investigation will attempt to solve. A retired Norwood police officer has been retained to lead the probe but so far has been stonewalled. “The mimes aren’t talking,” Bush said.
Investigators are pursuing a theory that the mimes might have been working for one or more of the Tavern League teams, attempting to affect the outcome of games by deflecting opponents’ balls away from the pocket, knocking down extra pins for friendly bowlers, and miming pins to confuse the scoring cameras.
Amitai Etzioni, a retired Xavier University anthropologist who hopes to study the Stone’s mime colony, was dubious. “Elementary physics argues against that scenario,” he said. “Those mimes weigh about a pound and a half apiece. For one of them to try to change the trajectory of a sixteen-pound bowling ball… well, if you think of it on a normal scale like you and me, it would be like standing in front of a ball the size and mass of a Volkswagen that’s coming at you at 220 miles per hour. If they are trying to control the ball these are very brave little mimes. Not very bright, but brave."
The Illuminati, who are leading the league's Split Division, improved their record to 19-16.
The lines
Kennedy--116, 105, 115: 336; avg 107 (+1)
Hunt--159, 113, 150: 422; avg 143 (unch)
Huneke--156, 135, 192: 483; avg 161 (new)
Corathers--131, 157, 173: 461; avg 146 (+1)
Friday, October 06, 2006
League commissioner: Dog ate it
A "normally very reliable" dog who was employed to maintain scores and statistics for the Stone's Lanes Tavern League has apparently eaten four weeks of bowling records, according to Tavern League commissioner Fay Vincent Jr.
Vincent said the league is working to reconstruct team records and individual averages and handicaps by interviewing bowlers "and through other means." Concerns about the reliability of the interview results were raised after it was revealed that more than forty of the league's 112 regular bowlers had claimed 300 games.
Efforts by a Homeland Security forensic team to recover the score sheets from the dog's waste output were unavailing, Vincent said.
The dog, a Yorkie-Labradoodle mix named Gutterballs, has been reassigned to work as a pinsetter technician and is receiving counseling, according to a Stone's Lanes spokeswoman.
The best available estimate of the Illuminati Bowling Team's record over the first four weeks of the fall season is 16-12. The unofficial league reconstruction of the record shows the following results:
September 11--Team with No Name 5, Illuminati 2
September 18--Mammy's Boys 5, Illuminati 2
September 25--Illuminati 7, Senor Exhaust 0
October 2--Illuminati 5, Having a Bawl 2
Vincent said the league is working to reconstruct team records and individual averages and handicaps by interviewing bowlers "and through other means." Concerns about the reliability of the interview results were raised after it was revealed that more than forty of the league's 112 regular bowlers had claimed 300 games.
Efforts by a Homeland Security forensic team to recover the score sheets from the dog's waste output were unavailing, Vincent said.
The dog, a Yorkie-Labradoodle mix named Gutterballs, has been reassigned to work as a pinsetter technician and is receiving counseling, according to a Stone's Lanes spokeswoman.
The best available estimate of the Illuminati Bowling Team's record over the first four weeks of the fall season is 16-12. The unofficial league reconstruction of the record shows the following results:
September 11--Team with No Name 5, Illuminati 2
September 18--Mammy's Boys 5, Illuminati 2
September 25--Illuminati 7, Senor Exhaust 0
October 2--Illuminati 5, Having a Bawl 2
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
IBT 5, Freel and buddies 2
Working behind breakthrough games by Debbie Kennedy (146, forty-three pins over average) and Jim Palmarini (190, forty-nine over), the Illuminati Bowling Team defeated a rambunctious Ryan Freel and Friends foursome 5-2 in Tavern League action Monday night.
The lines
Hunt--124, 155, 117: 396 (140, -1)
Kennedy--117, 81, 146: 344 (106, +3)
Palmarini--151, 120, 190: 461 (148, +7)
Corathers--145, 177, 188: 510 (153, +3)
The lines
Hunt--124, 155, 117: 396 (140, -1)
Kennedy--117, 81, 146: 344 (106, +3)
Palmarini--151, 120, 190: 461 (148, +7)
Corathers--145, 177, 188: 510 (153, +3)
Monday, February 20, 2006
Palmarini's handicap dive saves win
Illuminati veteran Jim Palmarini came out of retirement to help his team Monday night and was immediately asked to lose one for the Gipper.
Palmarini took a handicap dive to help the IBT salvage a win in the first game of a divisional series with the Lost Corner Bar team. The Illuminati lost the night 5-2, but it could have been worse without Palmarini's heroics.
The handicap dive--known in some quarters as the pas de gutter--is a complex mathematical and athletic maneuver that involves bowling just badly enough to change the outcome of a game that has already been played. League bowling is unique among sports--and possibly unique in the entire universe of Newtonian physics--in providing a way for competitors to influence events ex post facto.
To work a handicap dive, a bowler has to begin the evening's series without an established handicap. Palmarini, who had not competed in the Tavern League this season, was the only eligible member of the IBT foursome. He attacked the problem with gusto, turning in a precision-rolled 166, 130, 129: 425 to lower his average (and inflate his handicap) just enough in the course of the second and third games to give his team a four-pin win the first. If he had converted one more spare, the Illuminati probably would have lost all seven points.
The IBT's record stands at 23-19 (7-7 in the Gutter Division).
The lines
Hunt--168, 164, 133: 465 (145, +3)
Palmarini--166, 130, 129: 425 (142, new)
Peitz--118, 159, 113: 390 (143, -2)
Corathers--158, 143, 192: 493 (150, +3)
Palmarini took a handicap dive to help the IBT salvage a win in the first game of a divisional series with the Lost Corner Bar team. The Illuminati lost the night 5-2, but it could have been worse without Palmarini's heroics.
The handicap dive--known in some quarters as the pas de gutter--is a complex mathematical and athletic maneuver that involves bowling just badly enough to change the outcome of a game that has already been played. League bowling is unique among sports--and possibly unique in the entire universe of Newtonian physics--in providing a way for competitors to influence events ex post facto.
To work a handicap dive, a bowler has to begin the evening's series without an established handicap. Palmarini, who had not competed in the Tavern League this season, was the only eligible member of the IBT foursome. He attacked the problem with gusto, turning in a precision-rolled 166, 130, 129: 425 to lower his average (and inflate his handicap) just enough in the course of the second and third games to give his team a four-pin win the first. If he had converted one more spare, the Illuminati probably would have lost all seven points.
The IBT's record stands at 23-19 (7-7 in the Gutter Division).
The lines
Hunt--168, 164, 133: 465 (145, +3)
Palmarini--166, 130, 129: 425 (142, new)
Peitz--118, 159, 113: 390 (143, -2)
Corathers--158, 143, 192: 493 (150, +3)
Monday, February 13, 2006
Shaken by Veep's gunplay, Illuminati drop 7 to Dungeons
Illuminati Bowling Team leadoff man Christopher Hunt was in stable condition and resting at home Monday night after taking a shotgun blast to the backside from Vice President Dick Cheney.
The shooting, believed to be accidental, happened in the third frame of IBT's first game of the night against the Dungeon Family. Cheney, subbing for the factory-sponsored Jagermeister team on the adjacent lane, fired a round of double-ought birdshot into Hunt's posterior just as the Illuminati bowler released the ball.
Vice President Cheney.
Members of Senor Exhaust, the team that was bowling against Jagermeister, said Cheney had invoked an unfamiliar rule--which he said was common in the Wyoming alleys where he usually bowls--that allows the use of a small-gauge shotgun to convert particularly difficult spares. Cheney was trying to clean up a 7-10 split when the incident occurred.
Treated at the scene by Secret Service paramedics, Hunt was able to continue the game after a thirty-five minute delay. He rolled a 129, 168, 121: 418 and, remarkably, had the high series for the Illuminati despite an obvious hitch in his approach to the foul line. His teammates, apparently shaken by the shooting incident, bowled poorly and the team dropped seven points to the Dungeons.
Administration officials declined to comment on the shooting, saying they were observing the mandatory 18-hour delay in reporting vice-presidential gunplay.
"We don't even have to tell the Norwood Police about this until tomorrow afternoon," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "So why would we tell you anything?"
A source close to Cheney who insisted on anonymity assured The Illuminator that the shooting was accidental, pointing out that Hunt is a Republican. "We know this bowling team," the source said of the IBT. "We've read their e-mail. Believe me, if the vice president wanted to shoot somebody on the Illuminati Bowling Team, it wouldn't be Mr. Hunt."
Cheney finished his series for Jagermeister and turned in a (firearm-assisted) 212, 231, 197: 640.
The lines
Hunt--129, 168, 121: 418 (143, unch)
Kennedy--90, 94, 114: 298 (104, -1)
Peitz--125, 125, 132: 382 (145, -4)
Corathers--146, 118, 109: 373 (148, -5)
The shooting, believed to be accidental, happened in the third frame of IBT's first game of the night against the Dungeon Family. Cheney, subbing for the factory-sponsored Jagermeister team on the adjacent lane, fired a round of double-ought birdshot into Hunt's posterior just as the Illuminati bowler released the ball.
Vice President Cheney.
Members of Senor Exhaust, the team that was bowling against Jagermeister, said Cheney had invoked an unfamiliar rule--which he said was common in the Wyoming alleys where he usually bowls--that allows the use of a small-gauge shotgun to convert particularly difficult spares. Cheney was trying to clean up a 7-10 split when the incident occurred.
Treated at the scene by Secret Service paramedics, Hunt was able to continue the game after a thirty-five minute delay. He rolled a 129, 168, 121: 418 and, remarkably, had the high series for the Illuminati despite an obvious hitch in his approach to the foul line. His teammates, apparently shaken by the shooting incident, bowled poorly and the team dropped seven points to the Dungeons.
Administration officials declined to comment on the shooting, saying they were observing the mandatory 18-hour delay in reporting vice-presidential gunplay.
"We don't even have to tell the Norwood Police about this until tomorrow afternoon," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "So why would we tell you anything?"
A source close to Cheney who insisted on anonymity assured The Illuminator that the shooting was accidental, pointing out that Hunt is a Republican. "We know this bowling team," the source said of the IBT. "We've read their e-mail. Believe me, if the vice president wanted to shoot somebody on the Illuminati Bowling Team, it wouldn't be Mr. Hunt."
Cheney finished his series for Jagermeister and turned in a (firearm-assisted) 212, 231, 197: 640.
The lines
Hunt--129, 168, 121: 418 (143, unch)
Kennedy--90, 94, 114: 298 (104, -1)
Peitz--125, 125, 132: 382 (145, -4)
Corathers--146, 118, 109: 373 (148, -5)
Monday, February 06, 2006
I-Team stomps Roy's Boys, 5-2
The Illuminati Bowling team crushed traditional Tavern League power Roy’s Boys 5-2 in the first divisional matchup for both teams Monday night. The Illuminati, who are on a 19-2 run over the past three weeks, polished their record to 21-7 overall. They’re 5-2 in the fiercely competitive Gutter Division.
Longtime Illuminati fan Isabelle J. "Peanut" Anthony expresses shocked amusement at her team's easy dominance over Tavern League rival Roy's Boys Monday night. (Illuminator Staff Photo)
Remarkably, both of the Illuminati wins came by the same score—802-756 in the first and third games. “Probably coincidence,” said team numerologist Benmont Tench, “but we’re looking into it. You’ve got to play every angle in this game.”
Monday’s competition also marked the first start of the season for IBT sub Susan Doremus, who rolled a 119, 129, 110: 358. Top performers for the I-Team were Mike Peitz, with a 166, 141, 164: 471 and Don Corathers, 144, 171, 162: 477. Chris Hunt, breaking in a new pair of shoes, slipped to a 124 in the middle stanza but managed a 158 and 151 on either side of it to finish with a 433 series.
The lines
Hunt--158, 124, 151: 433 (144, +1)
Doremus--119, 129, 110: 358 (119, new)
Peitz--166, 141, 164: 471 (149, +3)
Corathers--144, 171, 162: 477 (153, +2)
Longtime Illuminati fan Isabelle J. "Peanut" Anthony expresses shocked amusement at her team's easy dominance over Tavern League rival Roy's Boys Monday night. (Illuminator Staff Photo)
Remarkably, both of the Illuminati wins came by the same score—802-756 in the first and third games. “Probably coincidence,” said team numerologist Benmont Tench, “but we’re looking into it. You’ve got to play every angle in this game.”
Monday’s competition also marked the first start of the season for IBT sub Susan Doremus, who rolled a 119, 129, 110: 358. Top performers for the I-Team were Mike Peitz, with a 166, 141, 164: 471 and Don Corathers, 144, 171, 162: 477. Chris Hunt, breaking in a new pair of shoes, slipped to a 124 in the middle stanza but managed a 158 and 151 on either side of it to finish with a 433 series.
The lines
Hunt--158, 124, 151: 433 (144, +1)
Doremus--119, 129, 110: 358 (119, new)
Peitz--166, 141, 164: 471 (149, +3)
Corathers--144, 171, 162: 477 (153, +2)
Monday, January 30, 2006
Illuminati 7, Bengals impersonators 0
The Illuminati Bowling Team ran its winning streak to six games and fourteen points with a convincing 7-0 pasting of an underprepared Who Dey Crew in Stone's Tavern League action Monday. The IBT, at 16-5 after three weeks of work, is in the catbird seat in the league's hotly contested Gutter Division.
There was speculation during pregame warmups that Who Dey, whose bowlers use the names of Cincinnati football players, might have some real Bengals subbing this week, but that was quickly deflated when they began lacing up their Day-Glo rental shoes: "Odell"--white guy. "Rudi"--white guy. "Chad"--white guy. "Carson"--ambulatory guy.
The Illuminati started with a 14-pin handicap advantage and held it through each game, never trailing and winning by 55, 27, and 22. Chris Hunt turned in a standout 180 game in the second stanza, 45 pins over average. Rookie phenom Deborah "Little Debbie" Kennedy struggled through the series, hitting a low point when she was flagged with an Improper Use of Furniture penalty during the third game.
The lines
Hunt--140, 180, 133: 453 (143, +8)
Kennedy--89, 88, 101: 278 (105, -6)
Peitz--142, 151, 116: 409 (147, -5)
Corathers--144, 167, 162: 473 (151, +5)
Season highs
Scratch game: Peitz, 190; Hunt, 180
Scratch series: Corathers, 473; Peitz, 472
Handicap game: Hunt, 238; Kennedy, 236
Handicap series: Kennedy, 666*; Hunt, 627
*The Illuminati Bowling Team acknowledges that 666 is a registered trademark of The Beelzebub Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton, Inc. The team is not in any way associated with His Satanic Majesty, and intends no infringement of Beelzebub's registered mark by publishing this score.
There was speculation during pregame warmups that Who Dey, whose bowlers use the names of Cincinnati football players, might have some real Bengals subbing this week, but that was quickly deflated when they began lacing up their Day-Glo rental shoes: "Odell"--white guy. "Rudi"--white guy. "Chad"--white guy. "Carson"--ambulatory guy.
The Illuminati started with a 14-pin handicap advantage and held it through each game, never trailing and winning by 55, 27, and 22. Chris Hunt turned in a standout 180 game in the second stanza, 45 pins over average. Rookie phenom Deborah "Little Debbie" Kennedy struggled through the series, hitting a low point when she was flagged with an Improper Use of Furniture penalty during the third game.
The lines
Hunt--140, 180, 133: 453 (143, +8)
Kennedy--89, 88, 101: 278 (105, -6)
Peitz--142, 151, 116: 409 (147, -5)
Corathers--144, 167, 162: 473 (151, +5)
Season highs
Scratch game: Peitz, 190; Hunt, 180
Scratch series: Corathers, 473; Peitz, 472
Handicap game: Hunt, 238; Kennedy, 236
Handicap series: Kennedy, 666*; Hunt, 627
*The Illuminati Bowling Team acknowledges that 666 is a registered trademark of The Beelzebub Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton, Inc. The team is not in any way associated with His Satanic Majesty, and intends no infringement of Beelzebub's registered mark by publishing this score.
Monday, January 23, 2006
'Heathen' Kennedy leads Illuminati over Full Monty, 7-0
Fortified by a 94 handicap and notes of encouragement from one of her teammates, Illuminati Bowling Team rookie Deborah "Little Heathen" Kennedy led a 7-0 rout of a dazed Full Monty team in Stone's Lanes Tavern League action Monday night.
Kennedy's 111, 131, 142: 384, following her handicap-building January 16 debut, was enough to bury the Monties and improve the IBT's record to 9-5. Two weeks into the season, the team is contending with Roy's Boys for first place in the league's tough Gutter Division.
Another notable performance was turned in by Mike Peitz, who opened with a team season high 190 first game but faded in the second and third when he couldn't get his patented gutter ricochet shot to work consistently.
Kennedy declined to reveal the contents of the note passed to her by teammate Chris Hunt midway through the second game. Hunt, a student of business motivator Zig Ziglar, frequently shares thoughtful words of encouragement with his colleagues, and clearly his comment to Kennedy elevated her game.
"I'd rather not say what he told me," the Illuminati rookie said. "We'll let the lawyers sort it out."
The lines
Hunt--119, 137, 150: 406; (135, new)
Kennedy--111, 131, 142: 384; (111, +17)
Peitz--190, 148, 134: 472; (152, +5)
Corathers--153, 142, 134: 429; (149, -5)
Kennedy's 111, 131, 142: 384, following her handicap-building January 16 debut, was enough to bury the Monties and improve the IBT's record to 9-5. Two weeks into the season, the team is contending with Roy's Boys for first place in the league's tough Gutter Division.
Another notable performance was turned in by Mike Peitz, who opened with a team season high 190 first game but faded in the second and third when he couldn't get his patented gutter ricochet shot to work consistently.
Kennedy declined to reveal the contents of the note passed to her by teammate Chris Hunt midway through the second game. Hunt, a student of business motivator Zig Ziglar, frequently shares thoughtful words of encouragement with his colleagues, and clearly his comment to Kennedy elevated her game.
"I'd rather not say what he told me," the Illuminati rookie said. "We'll let the lawyers sort it out."
The lines
Hunt--119, 137, 150: 406; (135, new)
Kennedy--111, 131, 142: 384; (111, +17)
Peitz--190, 148, 134: 472; (152, +5)
Corathers--153, 142, 134: 429; (149, -5)
Publisher: Missing fall season an 'oversight'
In a statement issued simultaneously in Rome, Chicago, and Norwood, Ohio Monday evening, Illuminator publisher John de Conqueroo said the paper's eight-month lapse in publication was "an oversight."
De Conqueroo apologized to subscribers, advertisers, and the Illuminator editorial staff, some of whom have been camped outside his Amalfi Coast hideaway since last May, awaiting instructions. The paper was last published in early May, and missed covering the Illuminati Bowling Team's entire fall season.
"We forgot," de Conqueroo said. "I've had this nagging feeling there was something I should be doing, but I just couldn't figure out what it was." The publisher said he was reminded of his responsibility to the paper by a pointed message in a fortune cookie he picked up at a Chinese restaurant in Scranton, Pennsylvania over the weekend.
"Funny thing was, it wasn't even my fortune cookie," he said.
De Conqueroo apologized to subscribers, advertisers, and the Illuminator editorial staff, some of whom have been camped outside his Amalfi Coast hideaway since last May, awaiting instructions. The paper was last published in early May, and missed covering the Illuminati Bowling Team's entire fall season.
"We forgot," de Conqueroo said. "I've had this nagging feeling there was something I should be doing, but I just couldn't figure out what it was." The publisher said he was reminded of his responsibility to the paper by a pointed message in a fortune cookie he picked up at a Chinese restaurant in Scranton, Pennsylvania over the weekend.
"Funny thing was, it wasn't even my fortune cookie," he said.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Writers' strike ends, swoon begins
Negotiators for the Amalgamated Bowling Writers' Union and De Conqueroo Enterprises, publisher of The Illuminator, have announced a contract agreement to end a bitter strike that has shut down the paper for two weeks.
In a separate press conference, a spokesmen for the players' union, which was not a party to the strike against The Illuminator, denied that Illuminati bowlers had been working behind the scenes to prolong the labor dispute in an effort to prevent their scores from being reported. The spokesman confirmed, however, that the settlement includes a provision, unique in American journalism, that allows players to demand their names to be withheld in line scores.
Details of the settlement, and of the disposition of the paper's humor engine, which was said to be a major point of contention for the writers, were not immediately available.
The Illuminati Bowling Team was just slipping into its traditional late-season coma as the strike began. In the three matches that were unreported because of the shutdown, the team posted a 6-15 record, losing consecutive 5-2 decisions to the Hot Tamales, the Krackers, and Beaver Liquors. The team's record slipped to 55-50 during the three-week skid, which occurs just two weeks before the beginning of the league tournament.
Railbirds at Historic Stone's Lanes had a cynical take on the Illuminati's recent performance, suggesting the IBT bowlers were polishing their handicaps for the upcoming tournament. Observers pointed out that in the fall season, the team finished the regular schedule in twenty-third place yet nearly won the twenty-four team tournament, losing to Teller's after forcing a sudden-death playoff in the finals. "Everybody knows the Illuminati don't start bowling until the tournament," said Stone's bartender Matt Jagermeister.
If it's true that the Illuminati are sandbagging, anchor Don Corathers apparently didn't get the memo. He turned in a team season high and personal best series Monday night against Beaver Liquors, 181, 180, 200: 561. It was enough to secure one win; the Liquors took the other two games, and total pins.
In the May 2 match against the Krackers, Mike Peitz rolled a 197 to key the Illuminati's one win. On April 25 against the Hot Tamales, the team pressed visiting Department of Education official Trapper John "Trapper" Barth into action as a sub, and he turned in an unexpectedly competent 145, 151, 133: 429. Barth--who is, incidentally, the only active athlete in major sports who has a nickname that is identical to his given name--was paying an official visit to the team in connection with its application for accreditation as a degree-granting institution.
The Illuminati finish regular season play next week with a match against the surly third-place Dungeon Family.
Pre-tourney notes
League rules require substitute bowlers to have played a minimum of twelve regular-season games to qualify for the tournament. Of the IBT's five registered subs, only two--Jim Huneke and Chris Hunt--are eligible. Both will be needed in the May 23 tourney opener. Kim Graham is out with a probable headache, and Corathers has been summoned to Rome for an urgent papal consultation.
The lines
May 9
Palmarini--118, 132, 138: 388 (139, -1)
Graham--124, 161, 150: 435 (141, +1)
[Name withheld]--104, 112, 125: 341 (143, -3)
Corathers--181, 180, 200: 561 (157, +3)
May 2
Palmarini--126, 174, 96: 396 (140, -1)
Peitz--133, 197, 146: 476 (146, +1)
Hunt--165, 113, 134: 412 (140, unch)
Corathers--121, 175, 156: 452 (154, -1)
April 25
Graham--150, 138, 111: 399 (140, -1)
Barth--145, 151, 133: 429 (143, new)
Peitz--137, 149, 117: 403 (145, -1)
Corathers--147, 178, 160: 485 (155, +1)
In a separate press conference, a spokesmen for the players' union, which was not a party to the strike against The Illuminator, denied that Illuminati bowlers had been working behind the scenes to prolong the labor dispute in an effort to prevent their scores from being reported. The spokesman confirmed, however, that the settlement includes a provision, unique in American journalism, that allows players to demand their names to be withheld in line scores.
Details of the settlement, and of the disposition of the paper's humor engine, which was said to be a major point of contention for the writers, were not immediately available.
The Illuminati Bowling Team was just slipping into its traditional late-season coma as the strike began. In the three matches that were unreported because of the shutdown, the team posted a 6-15 record, losing consecutive 5-2 decisions to the Hot Tamales, the Krackers, and Beaver Liquors. The team's record slipped to 55-50 during the three-week skid, which occurs just two weeks before the beginning of the league tournament.
Railbirds at Historic Stone's Lanes had a cynical take on the Illuminati's recent performance, suggesting the IBT bowlers were polishing their handicaps for the upcoming tournament. Observers pointed out that in the fall season, the team finished the regular schedule in twenty-third place yet nearly won the twenty-four team tournament, losing to Teller's after forcing a sudden-death playoff in the finals. "Everybody knows the Illuminati don't start bowling until the tournament," said Stone's bartender Matt Jagermeister.
If it's true that the Illuminati are sandbagging, anchor Don Corathers apparently didn't get the memo. He turned in a team season high and personal best series Monday night against Beaver Liquors, 181, 180, 200: 561. It was enough to secure one win; the Liquors took the other two games, and total pins.
In the May 2 match against the Krackers, Mike Peitz rolled a 197 to key the Illuminati's one win. On April 25 against the Hot Tamales, the team pressed visiting Department of Education official Trapper John "Trapper" Barth into action as a sub, and he turned in an unexpectedly competent 145, 151, 133: 429. Barth--who is, incidentally, the only active athlete in major sports who has a nickname that is identical to his given name--was paying an official visit to the team in connection with its application for accreditation as a degree-granting institution.
The Illuminati finish regular season play next week with a match against the surly third-place Dungeon Family.
Pre-tourney notes
League rules require substitute bowlers to have played a minimum of twelve regular-season games to qualify for the tournament. Of the IBT's five registered subs, only two--Jim Huneke and Chris Hunt--are eligible. Both will be needed in the May 23 tourney opener. Kim Graham is out with a probable headache, and Corathers has been summoned to Rome for an urgent papal consultation.
The lines
May 9
Palmarini--118, 132, 138: 388 (139, -1)
Graham--124, 161, 150: 435 (141, +1)
[Name withheld]--104, 112, 125: 341 (143, -3)
Corathers--181, 180, 200: 561 (157, +3)
May 2
Palmarini--126, 174, 96: 396 (140, -1)
Peitz--133, 197, 146: 476 (146, +1)
Hunt--165, 113, 134: 412 (140, unch)
Corathers--121, 175, 156: 452 (154, -1)
April 25
Graham--150, 138, 111: 399 (140, -1)
Barth--145, 151, 133: 429 (143, new)
Peitz--137, 149, 117: 403 (145, -1)
Corathers--147, 178, 160: 485 (155, +1)
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Humor engine in shop
This week's edition of The Illuminator has been delayed while repairs are made to the newspaper's humor engine, damaged by freak weather over the weekend. Team protocol officer Fermin Goodwrench, on loan from the Department of Education, advised the IBT that the pucker string was out of round and the ring blasters were corroded by snow. "If you fire this baby up," said Goodwrench, "she's going to blow."
Team sources said the repairs would probably take "about a fortnight."
"We were too funny for our own good," said Illuminati coach Dave Miley. "Now we're going to be serious."
The New York Times reported that Pope Benedict XVI issued a decree deploring past abuses of humor by the Illuminati and advising the faithful to adopt a dour, Teutonic countenance. "Zees bowlers cannot be allowed to laugh their way to perdition," His Holiness said.
Until repairs are completed, Miley warned readers to approach any apparent comedy in The Illuminator with caution. "This is humor from a defective machine," he said. "Our advice is, if it looks funny, don't mess with it."
Our colleague Mojo Hand contributed to this report.
Team sources said the repairs would probably take "about a fortnight."
"We were too funny for our own good," said Illuminati coach Dave Miley. "Now we're going to be serious."
The New York Times reported that Pope Benedict XVI issued a decree deploring past abuses of humor by the Illuminati and advising the faithful to adopt a dour, Teutonic countenance. "Zees bowlers cannot be allowed to laugh their way to perdition," His Holiness said.
Until repairs are completed, Miley warned readers to approach any apparent comedy in The Illuminator with caution. "This is humor from a defective machine," he said. "Our advice is, if it looks funny, don't mess with it."
Our colleague Mojo Hand contributed to this report.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Illuminati subdue Having a Ball, 5-2
Led by a brilliant, handicap-busting series by sub Kevin Pittsnogle, the Illuminati Bowling Team turned back a scrappy Having a Ball foursome, 5-2, in Tavern League action at Stone's Lanes Monday night. The IBT improved their record to 49-35 and kept the league lead in sight as the season entered its home stretch.
Pittsnogle, a 6-10 sharpshooting center who led West Virginia to the threshold of the Final Four in this year's NCAA basketball tournament, shocked the sports world two weeks ago by announcing he was giving up his final year of college eligibility to bowl for the Daylight Photo team in the Stone's Tuesday 10 for 10 league. He has also been working as a sub for the Illuminati, posting a 124 average.
Monday night he rolled a 144, 183, 134: 461 series, 87 pins over his average and enough to seal the deal against Having a Ball in the first two games. The IBT might have pulled off a seven-point sweep, but the usually steady Kim Graham and Don Corathers both went south in the last stanza, turning in execrable 112 and 113 games, respectively.
The lines
Palmarini--127, 142, 164: 433 (141, +1)
Pittsnogle--144, 183, 134: 461 (139, +15)
Graham--158, 142, 112: 412 (141, unch)
Corathers--155, 159, 113: 427 (154, -1)
Pittsnogle, a 6-10 sharpshooting center who led West Virginia to the threshold of the Final Four in this year's NCAA basketball tournament, shocked the sports world two weeks ago by announcing he was giving up his final year of college eligibility to bowl for the Daylight Photo team in the Stone's Tuesday 10 for 10 league. He has also been working as a sub for the Illuminati, posting a 124 average.
Monday night he rolled a 144, 183, 134: 461 series, 87 pins over his average and enough to seal the deal against Having a Ball in the first two games. The IBT might have pulled off a seven-point sweep, but the usually steady Kim Graham and Don Corathers both went south in the last stanza, turning in execrable 112 and 113 games, respectively.
The lines
Palmarini--127, 142, 164: 433 (141, +1)
Pittsnogle--144, 183, 134: 461 (139, +15)
Graham--158, 142, 112: 412 (141, unch)
Corathers--155, 159, 113: 427 (154, -1)
Monday, April 11, 2005
First-game blues become rock'n'roll series, 4-3
A short-handed Illuminati Bowling team put an end to a three-week losing streak Monday night, scratching out a hard-fought 4-3 win over the oddly apostrophe'd Blue's Crew.
The IBT improved its record to 44-33 and clung to seventh place in the 28-team Stone's Tavern League, according to unofficial results. (The team's record entering Monday's competition was adjusted to 40-30 after a recalculation of Kevin Pittsnogle's handicap gave the Illuminati a one-pin win in one of its March 28 games against Stoned.)
The Illuminati went with a three-bowler lineup after regular starter Jim Palmarini scratched late. It looked like the reduced IBT squad was in for a night of lowdown gutbucket blues early on as BC posted an alarmingly easy 122-pin win in the first game. The Ills stuck to their game plan, though ("We're going to throw the ball at the pins," was the way Illuminati coach Dave Miley articulated it in a pre-game interview) and pulled out 12-pin and 29-pin wins in the second and third games.
All of the Blue's Crew bowlers were substantially north of their averages in game one, but the IBT coaching staff was especially impressed with the performance of Amanda "Blue" Webster, who is, not to put too fine a point on it, extravagantly pregnant. Barry Bonds, the Illuminati strength and conditioning coach, theorized that Webster's increased central body mass gives her a ballast advantage that actually improves the stability of her delivery, in spite of her slight waddle.
Late Monday night Bonds was reported to be preparing a recommendation that the Illuminati experiment with a pregnant bowler next season, but clubhouse sources said the idea was not being well received among qualified members of the lineup.
The IBT continues its tour of the league's second division next week, facing 25-45 Having a Ball in a 7:00 p.m. Monday matchup. Tickets are still available.
The lines
Palmarini (blind)--130, 130, 130: 390 (140, unch)
Graham--147, 159, 112: 418 (142, unch)
Peitz--143, 150, 148: 441 (146, unch)
Corathers--146, 146, 149: 441 (156, unch)
The IBT improved its record to 44-33 and clung to seventh place in the 28-team Stone's Tavern League, according to unofficial results. (The team's record entering Monday's competition was adjusted to 40-30 after a recalculation of Kevin Pittsnogle's handicap gave the Illuminati a one-pin win in one of its March 28 games against Stoned.)
The Illuminati went with a three-bowler lineup after regular starter Jim Palmarini scratched late. It looked like the reduced IBT squad was in for a night of lowdown gutbucket blues early on as BC posted an alarmingly easy 122-pin win in the first game. The Ills stuck to their game plan, though ("We're going to throw the ball at the pins," was the way Illuminati coach Dave Miley articulated it in a pre-game interview) and pulled out 12-pin and 29-pin wins in the second and third games.
All of the Blue's Crew bowlers were substantially north of their averages in game one, but the IBT coaching staff was especially impressed with the performance of Amanda "Blue" Webster, who is, not to put too fine a point on it, extravagantly pregnant. Barry Bonds, the Illuminati strength and conditioning coach, theorized that Webster's increased central body mass gives her a ballast advantage that actually improves the stability of her delivery, in spite of her slight waddle.
Late Monday night Bonds was reported to be preparing a recommendation that the Illuminati experiment with a pregnant bowler next season, but clubhouse sources said the idea was not being well received among qualified members of the lineup.
The IBT continues its tour of the league's second division next week, facing 25-45 Having a Ball in a 7:00 p.m. Monday matchup. Tickets are still available.
The lines
Palmarini (blind)--130, 130, 130: 390 (140, unch)
Graham--147, 159, 112: 418 (142, unch)
Peitz--143, 150, 148: 441 (146, unch)
Corathers--146, 146, 149: 441 (156, unch)
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