Writers' strike ends, swoon begins

Negotiators for the Amalgamated Bowling Writers' Union and De Conqueroo Enterprises, publisher of The Illuminator, have announced a contract agreement to end a bitter strike that has shut down the paper for two weeks.

In a separate press conference, a spokesmen for the players' union, which was not a party to the strike against The Illuminator, denied that Illuminati bowlers had been working behind the scenes to prolong the labor dispute in an effort to prevent their scores from being reported. The spokesman confirmed, however, that the settlement includes a provision, unique in American journalism, that allows players to demand their names to be withheld in line scores.

Details of the settlement, and of the disposition of the paper's humor engine, which was said to be a major point of contention for the writers, were not immediately available.

The Illuminati Bowling Team was just slipping into its traditional late-season coma as the strike began. In the three matches that were unreported because of the shutdown, the team posted a 6-15 record, losing consecutive 5-2 decisions to the Hot Tamales, the Krackers, and Beaver Liquors. The team's record slipped to 55-50 during the three-week skid, which occurs just two weeks before the beginning of the league tournament.

Railbirds at Historic Stone's Lanes had a cynical take on the Illuminati's recent performance, suggesting the IBT bowlers were polishing their handicaps for the upcoming tournament. Observers pointed out that in the fall season, the team finished the regular schedule in twenty-third place yet nearly won the twenty-four team tournament, losing to Teller's after forcing a sudden-death playoff in the finals. "Everybody knows the Illuminati don't start bowling until the tournament," said Stone's bartender Matt Jagermeister.

If it's true that the Illuminati are sandbagging, anchor Don Corathers apparently didn't get the memo. He turned in a team season high and personal best series Monday night against Beaver Liquors, 181, 180, 200: 561. It was enough to secure one win; the Liquors took the other two games, and total pins.

In the May 2 match against the Krackers, Mike Peitz rolled a 197 to key the Illuminati's one win. On April 25 against the Hot Tamales, the team pressed visiting Department of Education official Trapper John "Trapper" Barth into action as a sub, and he turned in an unexpectedly competent 145, 151, 133: 429. Barth--who is, incidentally, the only active athlete in major sports who has a nickname that is identical to his given name--was paying an official visit to the team in connection with its application for accreditation as a degree-granting institution.

The Illuminati finish regular season play next week with a match against the surly third-place Dungeon Family.

Pre-tourney notes
League rules require substitute bowlers to have played a minimum of twelve regular-season games to qualify for the tournament. Of the IBT's five registered subs, only two--Jim Huneke and Chris Hunt--are eligible. Both will be needed in the May 23 tourney opener. Kim Graham is out with a probable headache, and Corathers has been summoned to Rome for an urgent papal consultation.

The lines

May 9
Palmarini--118, 132, 138: 388 (139, -1)
Graham--124, 161, 150: 435 (141, +1)
[Name withheld]--104, 112, 125: 341 (143, -3)
Corathers--181, 180, 200: 561 (157, +3)

May 2
Palmarini--126, 174, 96: 396 (140, -1)
Peitz--133, 197, 146: 476 (146, +1)
Hunt--165, 113, 134: 412 (140, unch)
Corathers--121, 175, 156: 452 (154, -1)

April 25
Graham--150, 138, 111: 399 (140, -1)
Barth--145, 151, 133: 429 (143, new)
Peitz--137, 149, 117: 403 (145, -1)
Corathers--147, 178, 160: 485 (155, +1)