Illuminati bowler jailed in jukebox mayhem

One bowler was arrested and the Illuminati Bowling Team was forced to forfeit game three in its Monday night series with Jagerbowl after a bizarre incident involving an attack on the Historic Stone’s Lanes jukebox.

Witnesses said a man charged the digital jukebox and smashed it with a sixteen-pound bowling ball shortly after the machine began to play the seventeen-minute album version of Meat Loaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” for the third consecutive time. The assailant could not be positively identified, but was believed to be a member of the Illuminati team. Norwood Police said the man they arrested gave his name as James Ochocinco, but IBT officials insisted they do not have a player by that name on their roster.

“We have a lot of Jims,” said Illuminati Director of Moderation Bob Huggins, who was present to keep an eye on things during the match with the hard-drinking Jagerbowl team. “But we don’t know that one.”

The incident occurred during the seventh frame of the third and final game of the series. Police were on the scene quickly and subdued Ochocinco without incident. The teams resumed play with Ochocinco attempting to bowl while handcuffed to a Norwood Police detective, but the men were unable to improvise the intricate choreography required and after two dangerously errant balls the game was declared a forfeit.

A man identified as James Ochocinco (left) attempts to bowl while handcuffed to an unidentified Norwood Police detective in Monday night Tavern League action.

The IBT posted a 5-2 loss, bringing their season record to 5-9 after an official scorekeeper’s ruling awarded two points that had earlier been credited to the Illuminati to last week’s opponent, the Ballbusters.

The scoring change and the jukebox incident cast a pall over what had been planned as a celebratory evening, marking the return of Illuminati veteran Kim Graham, who retired two years ago to pursue a career as a professional pinochle player. Graham, who rolled a 373 series, is scheduled in the Illuminati lineup several times this season.

The lines

Talkington—144, 146, 115: 405; avg 147 (-12)

Peitz—155, 135, 126: 416; avg 128 (+10)

Graham—122, 141, 110: 373: avg 124 (new)

[Name withheld]—138, 184, 172: 494; avg 171 (-7)

Next week

The Illuminati vs. Nice Balls and Racks

Illboys strong after long layoff

Fresh from a team spiritual retreat in Bhutan, the Illuminati Bowling Team ended an eight-month layoff with a 5-2 pasting of The Ballbusters on the opening night of the 2010 Tavern League winter season.

Three of the four Illuminati bowlers exceeded their 2009 season closing averages to carry the team to wins in two of the three games and total pinfall. The only team member who had an off night was Michael Peitz, who experienced persistent problems remembering his mantra at the foul line.

The lines
Jim Talkington--163, 141, 175: 479; avg 160 (new)
Mike Peitz--105, 121, 127: 353; avg 117 (new)
Jim Palmarini--145, 127, 148: 420; avg 140 (new)
Don Corathers--178, 150, 206: 534; avg 178 (new)