Mindful of its responsibility to support literary and artistic excellence as well as athletic achievement, the Illuminati Bowling Team today announced the first annual Tenpin Alley Songwriting Contest. The official rules:
1. Any style of music is eligible.
2. To be considered for the secret grand prize, submitted songs must address one of the following themes:
a. “Enterprise Rent A Car Canada--does that company suck or what?”
b. “The idiots who run Enterprise Rent A Car Canada.”
c. “Why I’ll never rent another car from Enterprise Rent A Car Canada.”
d. “Come to think of it, I’m going to just stay the hell out of Ontario all together.”
e. “If Toronto needed an enema, I know where the insertion point would be, and its initials are E.R.A.C.C.”
3. Anyone may enter except employees of Enterprise Rent A Car Canada and members of their immediate families.
4. Entries should be recorded in MP3 format and submitted on compact disk, with a lyric sheet in English, to: Song Contest, Enterprise Rent A Car Canada, 1 Arbitrary Way, Toronto, Canada M5W 4L9.
5. Contest deadline: March 1, 2010.
Illuminati Director of Marketing Mark McGwire said a description of the grand prize is being withheld to prevent the contest judges from being flooded with insincere entries. “The winner will find out what the prize is when everybody else does, when it’s awarded,” McGwire said. “It’s something really nice.”
In bowling news, the IBT performed an exhibition of mediocrity of uncommon purity in dropping a 7-0 decision to the minimally skilled I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter team Monday night. The only blemishes on the Illuminati’s almost perfectly bad series were above-average games turned in by Michael Peitz (191) and Jim Talkington (196).
The lines
Talkington—101, 131, 196: 428; avg 145 (-2)
Peitz—191, 158, 107: 456; avg 136 (+8)
Palmarini—133, 157, 136: 426; avg 141 (+1)
Corathers—159, 146, 146: 451; avg 164 (-7)
Next week
The Illuminati vs. The Slut Family
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Illuminati bowler jailed in jukebox mayhem
One bowler was arrested and the Illuminati Bowling Team was forced to forfeit game three in its Monday night series with Jagerbowl after a bizarre incident involving an attack on the Historic Stone’s Lanes jukebox.
Witnesses said a man charged the digital jukebox and smashed it with a sixteen-pound bowling ball shortly after the machine began to play the seventeen-minute album version of Meat Loaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” for the third consecutive time. The assailant could not be positively identified, but was believed to be a member of the Illuminati team. Norwood Police said the man they arrested gave his name as James Ochocinco, but IBT officials insisted they do not have a player by that name on their roster.
“We have a lot of Jims,” said Illuminati Director of Moderation Bob Huggins, who was present to keep an eye on things during the match with the hard-drinking Jagerbowl team. “But we don’t know that one.”
The incident occurred during the seventh frame of the third and final game of the series. Police were on the scene quickly and subdued Ochocinco without incident. The teams resumed play with Ochocinco attempting to bowl while handcuffed to a Norwood Police detective, but the men were unable to improvise the intricate choreography required and after two dangerously errant balls the game was declared a forfeit.
A man identified as James Ochocinco (left) attempts to bowl while handcuffed to an unidentified Norwood Police detective in Monday night Tavern League action.
The IBT posted a 5-2 loss, bringing their season record to 5-9 after an official scorekeeper’s ruling awarded two points that had earlier been credited to the Illuminati to last week’s opponent, the Ballbusters.
The scoring change and the jukebox incident cast a pall over what had been planned as a celebratory evening, marking the return of Illuminati veteran Kim Graham, who retired two years ago to pursue a career as a professional pinochle player. Graham, who rolled a 373 series, is scheduled in the Illuminati lineup several times this season.
The lines
Talkington—144, 146, 115: 405; avg 147 (-12)
Peitz—155, 135, 126: 416; avg 128 (+10)
Graham—122, 141, 110: 373: avg 124 (new)
[Name withheld]—138, 184, 172: 494; avg 171 (-7)
Next week
The Illuminati vs. Nice Balls and Racks
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Illboys strong after long layoff
Fresh from a team spiritual retreat in Bhutan, the Illuminati Bowling Team ended an eight-month layoff with a 5-2 pasting of The Ballbusters on the opening night of the 2010 Tavern League winter season.
Three of the four Illuminati bowlers exceeded their 2009 season closing averages to carry the team to wins in two of the three games and total pinfall. The only team member who had an off night was Michael Peitz, who experienced persistent problems remembering his mantra at the foul line.
The lines
Jim Talkington--163, 141, 175: 479; avg 160 (new)
Mike Peitz--105, 121, 127: 353; avg 117 (new)
Jim Palmarini--145, 127, 148: 420; avg 140 (new)
Don Corathers--178, 150, 206: 534; avg 178 (new)
Three of the four Illuminati bowlers exceeded their 2009 season closing averages to carry the team to wins in two of the three games and total pinfall. The only team member who had an off night was Michael Peitz, who experienced persistent problems remembering his mantra at the foul line.
The lines
Jim Talkington--163, 141, 175: 479; avg 160 (new)
Mike Peitz--105, 121, 127: 353; avg 117 (new)
Jim Palmarini--145, 127, 148: 420; avg 140 (new)
Don Corathers--178, 150, 206: 534; avg 178 (new)
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