Mindful of its responsibility to support literary and artistic excellence as well as athletic achievement, the Illuminati Bowling Team today announced the first annual Tenpin Alley Songwriting Contest. The official rules:
1. Any style of music is eligible.
2. To be considered for the secret grand prize, submitted songs must address one of the following themes:
a. “Enterprise Rent A Car Canada--does that company suck or what?”
b. “The idiots who run Enterprise Rent A Car Canada.”
c. “Why I’ll never rent another car from Enterprise Rent A Car Canada.”
d. “Come to think of it, I’m going to just stay the hell out of Ontario all together.”
e. “If Toronto needed an enema, I know where the insertion point would be, and its initials are E.R.A.C.C.”
3. Anyone may enter except employees of Enterprise Rent A Car Canada and members of their immediate families.
4. Entries should be recorded in MP3 format and submitted on compact disk, with a lyric sheet in English, to: Song Contest, Enterprise Rent A Car Canada, 1 Arbitrary Way, Toronto, Canada M5W 4L9.
5. Contest deadline: March 1, 2010.
Illuminati Director of Marketing Mark McGwire said a description of the grand prize is being withheld to prevent the contest judges from being flooded with insincere entries. “The winner will find out what the prize is when everybody else does, when it’s awarded,” McGwire said. “It’s something really nice.”
In bowling news, the IBT performed an exhibition of mediocrity of uncommon purity in dropping a 7-0 decision to the minimally skilled I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter team Monday night. The only blemishes on the Illuminati’s almost perfectly bad series were above-average games turned in by Michael Peitz (191) and Jim Talkington (196).
Talkington—101, 131, 196: 428; avg 145 (-2)
Peitz—191, 158, 107: 456; avg 136 (+8)
Palmarini—133, 157, 136: 426; avg 141 (+1)
Corathers—159, 146, 146: 451; avg 164 (-7)
The Illuminati vs. The Slut Family