Illuminati trip, 7-0, blame new pants

The Illuminati Bowling Team's flirtation with haute couture seems likely to come to an abrupt end.

The team unveiled its new line of home uniforms, created by Illuminati fashion director Dale Earnhardt Jr., with great fanfare at a Monday afternoon press conference. Hours later, wearing the Earnhardt designs for the first time, the IBT dropped a 7-0 moaner to tenth-place Stoned in a Tavern League matchup, and Illuminati bowlers were complaining privately that the uniforms were at least partly to blame.


IBT bowlers Kim Graham and Susan Doremus modeling the team's new home uniforms at a press conference Monday afternoon. After Monday night's match with Stoned, team members said the Dale Earnhardt designs were impossible to bowl in. (Photo by Sarah Corathers)

A radical departure from traditional bowling wear, the uniforms are inspired, according to Earnhardt, by the traditional garb of the Hmong people of Southeast Asia. They feature brightly colored natural fibers assembled in Mondrian-like patterns, with closely fitted tops and flowing pantaloons. They are heavily accessorized.

Clearly some adjustments will have to be made. Two IBT bowlers had trouble with the loose drape of their new togs, repeatedly losing track of their balls in the billowing folds of their trousers as they approached the foul line. The flowing scarves and unwieldy eleven-pound turban-like headgear were also a challenge, and team members complained with some heat about Earnhardt's insistence that they wear Ferragamo pumps instead of the traditional Day-Glo bowling shoes.

It didn't help that the Stoned foursome were uncharacteristically on top of their game. Their leadoff bowler Blanton used a trebuchet-like release to hurl a twelve-pound ball at 108 m.p.h., according to the league-sanctioned radar gun, and number two man Brandon (all of the Stoned bowlers use only one name) rolled a 159, 158, 165: 482, well over his 145 average.

Jim Huneke led the Illuminati with a 178 high game. The IBT's record slid to 38-32.

Earnhardt, a celebrated NASCAR driver who this year began marketing a line of competition clothing and children's wear under the brand name Little E, could not be reached for comment Monday night.

The Illuminati have an off night next Monday under a Stone's Tavern League agreement with the Cincinnati Reds, who open their season with a game against the New York Mets that afternoon.

The lines
Hunt--144, 166, 117: 427 (141, +2)
Huneke--131, 178, 114: 423 (144, -1)
Corathers--165, 148, 146: 459 (157, unch)
Pittsnogle--138, 99, 137: 374 (124, new)

Illuminati lose, 5-2, as sale rumors swirl

The lluminati Bowling Team’s front office staff worked hard Monday to squelch rumors that a majority interest in the venerable sports franchise was about to go on the auction block, even as city and county officials pledged to buy the team, if necessary, to keep it in Cincinnati.

Meanwhile on the hardwood, the IBT lost a hard-fought series to The Ligers, 5-2.


Who owns the Illuminati Bowling Team? Sports business analysts say the interlocking complexities of the team's ownership structure, and the fact that some of the owners have not been seen in public since the eleventh century, will make a sale difficult to negotiate. (Click to enlarge)


“The team is not for sale. Period,” said Illuminati general manager Alistair Crowley III. “The Illuminati organization is deeply rooted in Cincinnati. This is our home. Short of an apocalypse of some kind, we’re not going anywhere.”

Sports business analysts also pooh-poohed the sale rumor, pointing out that the interlocking complexities of the team’s ownership structure and the pervasive secrecy of its majority partners would make negotiations extremely difficult. “I mean, who are you going to call?” said one attorney—presumably rhetorically--who was involved in the recent sale of the Montreal Expos. “It’s not like you can look in the Yellow Pages under ‘Satan’s Minions.’ ”

City and county officials nevertheless moved swiftly to signal their readiness to step in, if necessary, to prevent the team from moving. Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune urged the commission to form an Illuminati Bowling Team Task Force to explore purchasing the IBT. There were signs, however, that Portune’s proposal may receive a chilly reception from his Republican colleagues on the commission.

“It’s not gonna happen,” said Commissioner Phil Heimlich. “As long as there’s a Republican majority on this commission, we’re not going to enter into any limited partnership deals with the Prince of Darkness. We’ve got Mike Brown, and that’s enough.”

Under a generally accepted formula, the value of a sports franchise is set at about seven times its annual revenues. That would place the sale price of the Illuminati at more than $600. Analysts say the team is worth much more to the local economy, though. “Hell, I know for a fact that one of the team members spends that much on peppermint schnapps all by himself in the course of a season,” said one observer of the city’s bowling scene.

At Historic Stone’s Lanes Monday night, the IBT dropped two of three games and total pins to The Ligers (who are, incidentally named for a fictitious animal, the product of an unlikely liaison between a lion and a tiger). The Illuminati’s record sagged to 38-25, still good enough, according to unofficial standings, to keep them in the top five. IBT anchor Don Corathers turned in a nice 181, 161, 173: 515, the team’s first 500 series of the season.

Next week the Illuminati face the evocatively named Stoned, who carry, not too surprisingly, a bloated 248 handicap. IBT coach Dave Miley faces some lineup issues, with regulars Mike Peitz, Jim Palmarini, and Kim Graham unavailable because they’ll be in Washington testifying before a Congressional committee on steroid use in the Tavern League Monday afternoon.

The lines
Palmarini—126, 122, 124: 372 (141, -3)
Peitz—134, 143, 173: 450 (146, +1)
Graham—145, 143, 112: 400 (142, -1)
Corathers—181, 161, 173: 515 (157, +2)

de Conqueroo

Is Christ a ringer?

The Illuminati Bowling Team lost a hard-fought series to the Miller Lite Road Crew, 5-2, in Stone's Tavern League action Monday night among charges, countercharges, and sharp recriminations about the identity and eligibility of one of the MLRC bowlers. Illuminati consultant Bob Huggins said the IBT is exploring its options and there's a good chance the team will file a formal protest with the league.

The furor whipped around the MLRC's number two bowler, who is registered with the league under the name Christ.

Sources told The Illuminator there are are two different infractions the Illuminati want the league to investigate. The first has to do with with eligibility rules: the IBT will argue that as a matter of fairness and equity no team should be allowed to have a deity in their lineup.

Huggins acknowledged that nothing in the league rules specifically prohibits a team from penciling in a god, demigod, or supernatural figure. "But let's just use some common sense here," he said. "I know this is supposed to be a mixed league, but jeez. Pardon the expression."

The second and more serious allegation leveled by the IBT was that the Christ who bowled for the Miller team Monday night was not the same bowler who had competed in the previous seven weeks of league action.

"The old Christ, let's just call him the old Christ, had a 129 average and sucked," Huggins said. "Tonight's Christ was throwing a PBA-grade hook with pinpoint accuracy. You figure it out."

Christ did bowl well Monday, turning in a 180, 149, 141: 470, or 83 pins over his average.

"I don't want to get into a big teleological thing here," an MLRC team member said. But he pointed out that Christ's pins-over-average total was actually lower than the numbers posted by Illuminati sub Chris Hunt last week. "And hey, I don't see anybody serving up any burnt offerings to him."

It was impossible to confirm another aspect of the Illuminati complaint, that the MLRC team had what some observers described as an endless supply of loaves and fishes on their team table, an apparent violation of the strictly enforced house rule on bringing in outside food.

League officials had no comment. "I don't know anything about any of that," said league president Terri Reed. "I just run the Split the Pot game."

The dispute clouded a fiercely contested night of bowling that saw the Illuminati turn in an outstanding scratch 657 in the first game, only to lose to Miller--who had a 46-pin handicap advantage--by 38. MLRC won the second game by 51 before the IBT rebounded in the third set for a 40-pin win. Miller took total pins.

The Illuminati's record stands at 36-20 going into next week's match with the league-leading Ligers. Team strategists are troubled by the fact that nobody in the league seems to know what "Ligers" means.

The lines
Graham--163, 154, 126: 443 (143, +1)
Huneke--172, 146, 147: 465 (145, +5)
Peitz--167, 138, 130: 435 (146, +1)
Corathers--155, 153, 170: 478 (155, unch)

Illuminati frustrate Dry Humps, 7-0

Buoyed by an outstanding performance by last-minute sub Christopher "Marketing Weasel" Hunt, who bowled a a gaudy 89 pins over his average on the night, the Illuminati Bowling Team overcame a big handicap deficit to sweep the Dry Humps 7-0 in Tavern League action Monday.

Although all three games were close until the late frames, the Illuminati won them going away, by margins of 72, 87, and 55 pins. The Humps started the evening with a 61-pin handicap advantage.

The Ills improved their record to 34-15 and tightened their race with Stoned, Beaver Liquors, and The Ligers for first place in the 28-team league.

Hunt was subbing for Susan Doremus, a late scratch (upper respiratory ailment) who was herself scheduled to bowl for Mike Peitz. Peitz was in Las Vegas representing the Tavern League in talks with officials of the Caesar's Palace sports book. Carrying a 125 average into the evening's competition, Hunt rolled a 132, 156, 176: 464.

Next Monday the Illuminati face the mysteriously named MLRC, whose lineup includes, remarkably, a bowler named Christ. Christ carries a 65 handicap.

Correction
Last week The Illuminator described the Dry Humps as an all-female team. That was incorrect. We were thinking of some other Dry Humps.

The lines
Palmarini--130, 144, 128: 402 (144, -2)
Graham--114, 172, 131: 417 (144, unch)
Hunt--132, 156, 176: 464 (140, +15)
Corathers--178, 155, 157: 490 (155, +2)

Arthur's 5, Illuminati 2

A sluggish Illuminati Bowling Team surrendered to Arthur's Pub, 5-2, in Tavern League action at Historic Stone's Lanes Monday night.

The Illuminati, in third place entering Monday's competition, dropped to fourth behind the surging Beaver Liquors team, according to unofficial results. Their record faded to a still-respectable 27-15.

The Auburn Avenue team had no answer for Arthur's two hard-throwing lefthanders, Chris Gooden and Donny White, both of whom roll big, half-lane-wide hooks and have averages north of 180. The only bright spot for the Illuminati came in game two, when a Mike Peitz 174 and subpar work by three of the Arthur's bowlers opened enough daylight for a 30-pin IBT win. The other two games weren't close.

The Illuminati now must regroup for next Monday's set against the Dry Humps, an all-female team with an extraordinary 268 handicap.

The lines
Palmarini--146, 147, 162: 456 (146, +2)
Huneke--128, 129, 133: 390 (140, -11)
Peitz--134, 174, 148: 456 (146, +2)
Corathers--143, 144, 135: 422 (153, -2)

Season highs
Scratch game: Palmarini 189, Peitz 188, Corathers 187
Scratch series: Corathers 496, Palmarini 463, Peitz 456