Illuminati lose, 5-2, as sale rumors swirl

The lluminati Bowling Team’s front office staff worked hard Monday to squelch rumors that a majority interest in the venerable sports franchise was about to go on the auction block, even as city and county officials pledged to buy the team, if necessary, to keep it in Cincinnati.

Meanwhile on the hardwood, the IBT lost a hard-fought series to The Ligers, 5-2.


Who owns the Illuminati Bowling Team? Sports business analysts say the interlocking complexities of the team's ownership structure, and the fact that some of the owners have not been seen in public since the eleventh century, will make a sale difficult to negotiate. (Click to enlarge)


“The team is not for sale. Period,” said Illuminati general manager Alistair Crowley III. “The Illuminati organization is deeply rooted in Cincinnati. This is our home. Short of an apocalypse of some kind, we’re not going anywhere.”

Sports business analysts also pooh-poohed the sale rumor, pointing out that the interlocking complexities of the team’s ownership structure and the pervasive secrecy of its majority partners would make negotiations extremely difficult. “I mean, who are you going to call?” said one attorney—presumably rhetorically--who was involved in the recent sale of the Montreal Expos. “It’s not like you can look in the Yellow Pages under ‘Satan’s Minions.’ ”

City and county officials nevertheless moved swiftly to signal their readiness to step in, if necessary, to prevent the team from moving. Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune urged the commission to form an Illuminati Bowling Team Task Force to explore purchasing the IBT. There were signs, however, that Portune’s proposal may receive a chilly reception from his Republican colleagues on the commission.

“It’s not gonna happen,” said Commissioner Phil Heimlich. “As long as there’s a Republican majority on this commission, we’re not going to enter into any limited partnership deals with the Prince of Darkness. We’ve got Mike Brown, and that’s enough.”

Under a generally accepted formula, the value of a sports franchise is set at about seven times its annual revenues. That would place the sale price of the Illuminati at more than $600. Analysts say the team is worth much more to the local economy, though. “Hell, I know for a fact that one of the team members spends that much on peppermint schnapps all by himself in the course of a season,” said one observer of the city’s bowling scene.

At Historic Stone’s Lanes Monday night, the IBT dropped two of three games and total pins to The Ligers (who are, incidentally named for a fictitious animal, the product of an unlikely liaison between a lion and a tiger). The Illuminati’s record sagged to 38-25, still good enough, according to unofficial standings, to keep them in the top five. IBT anchor Don Corathers turned in a nice 181, 161, 173: 515, the team’s first 500 series of the season.

Next week the Illuminati face the evocatively named Stoned, who carry, not too surprisingly, a bloated 248 handicap. IBT coach Dave Miley faces some lineup issues, with regulars Mike Peitz, Jim Palmarini, and Kim Graham unavailable because they’ll be in Washington testifying before a Congressional committee on steroid use in the Tavern League Monday afternoon.

The lines
Palmarini—126, 122, 124: 372 (141, -3)
Peitz—134, 143, 173: 450 (146, +1)
Graham—145, 143, 112: 400 (142, -1)
Corathers—181, 161, 173: 515 (157, +2)