This week's edition of The Illuminator has been delayed while repairs are made to the newspaper's humor engine, damaged by freak weather over the weekend. Team protocol officer Fermin Goodwrench, on loan from the Department of Education, advised the IBT that the pucker string was out of round and the ring blasters were corroded by snow. "If you fire this baby up," said Goodwrench, "she's going to blow."
Team sources said the repairs would probably take "about a fortnight."
"We were too funny for our own good," said Illuminati coach Dave Miley. "Now we're going to be serious."
The New York Times reported that Pope Benedict XVI issued a decree deploring past abuses of humor by the Illuminati and advising the faithful to adopt a dour, Teutonic countenance. "Zees bowlers cannot be allowed to laugh their way to perdition," His Holiness said.
Until repairs are completed, Miley warned readers to approach any apparent comedy in The Illuminator with caution. "This is humor from a defective machine," he said. "Our advice is, if it looks funny, don't mess with it."
Our colleague Mojo Hand contributed to this report.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Monday, April 18, 2005
Illuminati subdue Having a Ball, 5-2
Led by a brilliant, handicap-busting series by sub Kevin Pittsnogle, the Illuminati Bowling Team turned back a scrappy Having a Ball foursome, 5-2, in Tavern League action at Stone's Lanes Monday night. The IBT improved their record to 49-35 and kept the league lead in sight as the season entered its home stretch.
Pittsnogle, a 6-10 sharpshooting center who led West Virginia to the threshold of the Final Four in this year's NCAA basketball tournament, shocked the sports world two weeks ago by announcing he was giving up his final year of college eligibility to bowl for the Daylight Photo team in the Stone's Tuesday 10 for 10 league. He has also been working as a sub for the Illuminati, posting a 124 average.
Monday night he rolled a 144, 183, 134: 461 series, 87 pins over his average and enough to seal the deal against Having a Ball in the first two games. The IBT might have pulled off a seven-point sweep, but the usually steady Kim Graham and Don Corathers both went south in the last stanza, turning in execrable 112 and 113 games, respectively.
The lines
Palmarini--127, 142, 164: 433 (141, +1)
Pittsnogle--144, 183, 134: 461 (139, +15)
Graham--158, 142, 112: 412 (141, unch)
Corathers--155, 159, 113: 427 (154, -1)
Pittsnogle, a 6-10 sharpshooting center who led West Virginia to the threshold of the Final Four in this year's NCAA basketball tournament, shocked the sports world two weeks ago by announcing he was giving up his final year of college eligibility to bowl for the Daylight Photo team in the Stone's Tuesday 10 for 10 league. He has also been working as a sub for the Illuminati, posting a 124 average.
Monday night he rolled a 144, 183, 134: 461 series, 87 pins over his average and enough to seal the deal against Having a Ball in the first two games. The IBT might have pulled off a seven-point sweep, but the usually steady Kim Graham and Don Corathers both went south in the last stanza, turning in execrable 112 and 113 games, respectively.
The lines
Palmarini--127, 142, 164: 433 (141, +1)
Pittsnogle--144, 183, 134: 461 (139, +15)
Graham--158, 142, 112: 412 (141, unch)
Corathers--155, 159, 113: 427 (154, -1)
Monday, April 11, 2005
First-game blues become rock'n'roll series, 4-3
A short-handed Illuminati Bowling team put an end to a three-week losing streak Monday night, scratching out a hard-fought 4-3 win over the oddly apostrophe'd Blue's Crew.
The IBT improved its record to 44-33 and clung to seventh place in the 28-team Stone's Tavern League, according to unofficial results. (The team's record entering Monday's competition was adjusted to 40-30 after a recalculation of Kevin Pittsnogle's handicap gave the Illuminati a one-pin win in one of its March 28 games against Stoned.)
The Illuminati went with a three-bowler lineup after regular starter Jim Palmarini scratched late. It looked like the reduced IBT squad was in for a night of lowdown gutbucket blues early on as BC posted an alarmingly easy 122-pin win in the first game. The Ills stuck to their game plan, though ("We're going to throw the ball at the pins," was the way Illuminati coach Dave Miley articulated it in a pre-game interview) and pulled out 12-pin and 29-pin wins in the second and third games.
All of the Blue's Crew bowlers were substantially north of their averages in game one, but the IBT coaching staff was especially impressed with the performance of Amanda "Blue" Webster, who is, not to put too fine a point on it, extravagantly pregnant. Barry Bonds, the Illuminati strength and conditioning coach, theorized that Webster's increased central body mass gives her a ballast advantage that actually improves the stability of her delivery, in spite of her slight waddle.
Late Monday night Bonds was reported to be preparing a recommendation that the Illuminati experiment with a pregnant bowler next season, but clubhouse sources said the idea was not being well received among qualified members of the lineup.
The IBT continues its tour of the league's second division next week, facing 25-45 Having a Ball in a 7:00 p.m. Monday matchup. Tickets are still available.
The lines
Palmarini (blind)--130, 130, 130: 390 (140, unch)
Graham--147, 159, 112: 418 (142, unch)
Peitz--143, 150, 148: 441 (146, unch)
Corathers--146, 146, 149: 441 (156, unch)
The IBT improved its record to 44-33 and clung to seventh place in the 28-team Stone's Tavern League, according to unofficial results. (The team's record entering Monday's competition was adjusted to 40-30 after a recalculation of Kevin Pittsnogle's handicap gave the Illuminati a one-pin win in one of its March 28 games against Stoned.)
The Illuminati went with a three-bowler lineup after regular starter Jim Palmarini scratched late. It looked like the reduced IBT squad was in for a night of lowdown gutbucket blues early on as BC posted an alarmingly easy 122-pin win in the first game. The Ills stuck to their game plan, though ("We're going to throw the ball at the pins," was the way Illuminati coach Dave Miley articulated it in a pre-game interview) and pulled out 12-pin and 29-pin wins in the second and third games.
All of the Blue's Crew bowlers were substantially north of their averages in game one, but the IBT coaching staff was especially impressed with the performance of Amanda "Blue" Webster, who is, not to put too fine a point on it, extravagantly pregnant. Barry Bonds, the Illuminati strength and conditioning coach, theorized that Webster's increased central body mass gives her a ballast advantage that actually improves the stability of her delivery, in spite of her slight waddle.
Late Monday night Bonds was reported to be preparing a recommendation that the Illuminati experiment with a pregnant bowler next season, but clubhouse sources said the idea was not being well received among qualified members of the lineup.
The IBT continues its tour of the league's second division next week, facing 25-45 Having a Ball in a 7:00 p.m. Monday matchup. Tickets are still available.
The lines
Palmarini (blind)--130, 130, 130: 390 (140, unch)
Graham--147, 159, 112: 418 (142, unch)
Peitz--143, 150, 148: 441 (146, unch)
Corathers--146, 146, 149: 441 (156, unch)
Monday, April 04, 2005
IBT finally stops its slide down the standings
The Illuminati Bowling Team, along with the rest of the Tavern League at Historic Stone's Lanes, was idle this week. Play resumes next Monday with the IBT vs. Blue's Crew.
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