This week's edition of The Illuminator has been delayed while repairs are made to the newspaper's humor engine, damaged by freak weather over the weekend. Team protocol officer Fermin Goodwrench, on loan from the Department of Education, advised the IBT that the pucker string was out of round and the ring blasters were corroded by snow. "If you fire this baby up," said Goodwrench, "she's going to blow."
Team sources said the repairs would probably take "about a fortnight."
"We were too funny for our own good," said Illuminati coach Dave Miley. "Now we're going to be serious."
The New York Times reported that Pope Benedict XVI issued a decree deploring past abuses of humor by the Illuminati and advising the faithful to adopt a dour, Teutonic countenance. "Zees bowlers cannot be allowed to laugh their way to perdition," His Holiness said.
Until repairs are completed, Miley warned readers to approach any apparent comedy in The Illuminator with caution. "This is humor from a defective machine," he said. "Our advice is, if it looks funny, don't mess with it."
Our colleague Mojo Hand contributed to this report.
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