Champs team: quads or clones?

Officials at Historic Stone’s Lanes have frozen the bowling alley’s Tavern League standings while they investigate a complaint alleging that the Cunningham Quads, the four brothers who bowl for the phenomenally successful Champions team, are not identical quadruplets but in fact are clones manufactured in a North Korean military laboratory twenty years ago.










Carl, Lyall, Darrell, and Denzel Cunningham, l to r: All-American boys or instruments of a fiendish plot?

If the claim is substantiated, the Quads will be disqualified from competition under the league’s Earl Anthony Rule, which was adopted in 2002 after it was discovered that genetic material from the late PBA champion was being traded on the open market for as little as $5 a swab.

The Quads defeated the Illuminati Bowling Team 5-2 Monday night in a match that has been formally protested by the IBT. Entering this week’s competition the Quads had compiled a 31-11 record to lead the Spare Division. The Illuminati, at 28-14, were leading the Strike Division. If Monday’s result stands, they’ll be 30-19, and still on top of the division.

Illuminati science advisor Leonard Nimoy said suspicions were aroused by the bleating sounds the Quads made as they released the ball and when they celebrated strikes. “These goatlike noises in moments of physical stress and arousal are typical of what we’ve seen in the products of the Pyongyang experiments of 1986 and ’87,” Nimoy said. It is believed that North Korean scientists, working with limited resources and primitive equipment, used small amounts of goat DNA in attempting to clone human subjects. “The age of these specimens is also about right to fit that theory.”

League officials decided to act on the anonymous complaint after Champs anchorman Denzel Cunningham celebrated a 218 game by headbutting the ball return and eating a two-ounce bag of rosin. Nimoy said there were reports of other manifestations of goatlike behavior by the Quads, but he declined to elaborate “to protect the young woman involved.”

Nimoy also refused to engage in speculation when asked why the North Korean government would attempt to subvert an Ohio bowling league with cloned competitors. “Fiendish, isn’t it?” he said.

The lines
Nelson—107, 154, 108: 369; avg 122 (+1)
Kennedy—98, 126, 139: 363; avg 129 (-3)
Peitz—124, 142, 139: 405; avg 143 (-1)
Corathers—160, 169, 141: 470; avg 157 (unch)

Next week
The Shockers