Illuminati trip, 7-0, blame new pants

The Illuminati Bowling Team's flirtation with haute couture seems likely to come to an abrupt end.

The team unveiled its new line of home uniforms, created by Illuminati fashion director Dale Earnhardt Jr., with great fanfare at a Monday afternoon press conference. Hours later, wearing the Earnhardt designs for the first time, the IBT dropped a 7-0 moaner to tenth-place Stoned in a Tavern League matchup, and Illuminati bowlers were complaining privately that the uniforms were at least partly to blame.


IBT bowlers Kim Graham and Susan Doremus modeling the team's new home uniforms at a press conference Monday afternoon. After Monday night's match with Stoned, team members said the Dale Earnhardt designs were impossible to bowl in. (Photo by Sarah Corathers)

A radical departure from traditional bowling wear, the uniforms are inspired, according to Earnhardt, by the traditional garb of the Hmong people of Southeast Asia. They feature brightly colored natural fibers assembled in Mondrian-like patterns, with closely fitted tops and flowing pantaloons. They are heavily accessorized.

Clearly some adjustments will have to be made. Two IBT bowlers had trouble with the loose drape of their new togs, repeatedly losing track of their balls in the billowing folds of their trousers as they approached the foul line. The flowing scarves and unwieldy eleven-pound turban-like headgear were also a challenge, and team members complained with some heat about Earnhardt's insistence that they wear Ferragamo pumps instead of the traditional Day-Glo bowling shoes.

It didn't help that the Stoned foursome were uncharacteristically on top of their game. Their leadoff bowler Blanton used a trebuchet-like release to hurl a twelve-pound ball at 108 m.p.h., according to the league-sanctioned radar gun, and number two man Brandon (all of the Stoned bowlers use only one name) rolled a 159, 158, 165: 482, well over his 145 average.

Jim Huneke led the Illuminati with a 178 high game. The IBT's record slid to 38-32.

Earnhardt, a celebrated NASCAR driver who this year began marketing a line of competition clothing and children's wear under the brand name Little E, could not be reached for comment Monday night.

The Illuminati have an off night next Monday under a Stone's Tavern League agreement with the Cincinnati Reds, who open their season with a game against the New York Mets that afternoon.

The lines
Hunt--144, 166, 117: 427 (141, +2)
Huneke--131, 178, 114: 423 (144, -1)
Corathers--165, 148, 146: 459 (157, unch)
Pittsnogle--138, 99, 137: 374 (124, new)