The Illuminati Bowling Team lost a hard-fought series to the Miller Lite Road Crew, 5-2, in Stone's Tavern League action Monday night among charges, countercharges, and sharp recriminations about the identity and eligibility of one of the MLRC bowlers. Illuminati consultant Bob Huggins said the IBT is exploring its options and there's a good chance the team will file a formal protest with the league.
The furor whipped around the MLRC's number two bowler, who is registered with the league under the name Christ.
Sources told The Illuminator there are are two different infractions the Illuminati want the league to investigate. The first has to do with with eligibility rules: the IBT will argue that as a matter of fairness and equity no team should be allowed to have a deity in their lineup.
Huggins acknowledged that nothing in the league rules specifically prohibits a team from penciling in a god, demigod, or supernatural figure. "But let's just use some common sense here," he said. "I know this is supposed to be a mixed league, but jeez. Pardon the expression."
The second and more serious allegation leveled by the IBT was that the Christ who bowled for the Miller team Monday night was not the same bowler who had competed in the previous seven weeks of league action.
"The old Christ, let's just call him the old Christ, had a 129 average and sucked," Huggins said. "Tonight's Christ was throwing a PBA-grade hook with pinpoint accuracy. You figure it out."
Christ did bowl well Monday, turning in a 180, 149, 141: 470, or 83 pins over his average.
"I don't want to get into a big teleological thing here," an MLRC team member said. But he pointed out that Christ's pins-over-average total was actually lower than the numbers posted by Illuminati sub Chris Hunt last week. "And hey, I don't see anybody serving up any burnt offerings to him."
It was impossible to confirm another aspect of the Illuminati complaint, that the MLRC team had what some observers described as an endless supply of loaves and fishes on their team table, an apparent violation of the strictly enforced house rule on bringing in outside food.
League officials had no comment. "I don't know anything about any of that," said league president Terri Reed. "I just run the Split the Pot game."
The dispute clouded a fiercely contested night of bowling that saw the Illuminati turn in an outstanding scratch 657 in the first game, only to lose to Miller--who had a 46-pin handicap advantage--by 38. MLRC won the second game by 51 before the IBT rebounded in the third set for a 40-pin win. Miller took total pins.
The Illuminati's record stands at 36-20 going into next week's match with the league-leading Ligers. Team strategists are troubled by the fact that nobody in the league seems to know what "Ligers" means.
The lines
Graham--163, 154, 126: 443 (143, +1)
Huneke--172, 146, 147: 465 (145, +5)
Peitz--167, 138, 130: 435 (146, +1)
Corathers--155, 153, 170: 478 (155, unch)
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4 comments:
My theory is that Christ is not divine at all; the name choice was merely a ploy to hear his name uttered by teams up and down the alley, as in "Oh, Christ, where's the @!#% ball going?!!"
And Graham's average is -1, not +1.
But why? If you could manifest yourself as anyone or anything, why do it at Stone's lanes? I heard Purgatory's a great place to visit, but who really wants to bowl there?
You are so full of, um, questions.
I will answer the statistical one. The discrepancy in Graham's average occurred because The Illuminator and the Tavern League's powerful Compaq 64 computer apply different mathematical principles to the calculations. This sometimes causes small variations between a bowler's actual average and the number reported by the league. Since the league averages are official (although quite possibly wrong) The Illuminator calibrates its records to the league's published statistics each week. This may cause an average to appear to fluctuate by a point or two.
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