Club officials are calling the Illuminati Bowling Team's new bar monitoring policy a great success after the team steamrolled hard-drinking, cellar-dwelling Jagerbowl 7-0 in Tavern League action Monday night.
The Illuminati have won fourteen straight and are securely on top of the league's Strike Division with a 28-14 record. Bob Huggins, IBT vice president of moderation, attributes the team's recent success to a newly implemented policy of keeping track of the beverages consumed by athletes during games and discouraging overconsumption. "Great thanks are due to our tap nanny Susan Doremus," Huggins said, "who kept meticulously timed records of each teammate's visits to the bar."
The Jagerbowl matchup was considered an important early test of the strategy, because the Jager team had announced plans to counter the IBT's sobriety with a new drinking policy of its own. That wasn't a factor in Monday's games, as Jagerbowl's idea of temperance turned out to be replacing their regular Robitussin-like liqueur with a mixed drink that involved cherry vodka and Red Bull.
The advantages of the IBT's more conservative approach can be charted in the results: as the evening wore on, the Illuminati's winning margins grew larger. They won the first game by 65 pins, the second by 87, and the third, which was briefly interrupted when Jager anchor Greg Inamorato tried unsuccessfully to engage Doremus in an extravagantly complex high five, by 120.
Debbie Kennedy (two Edmond Fitzgerald Porters) was a standout for the IBT, rolling a forget-my-average 450 series. Don Corathers (three Bass Ales) had his best night of the young season, a 520 series with a 201 high game. Mike Peitz (two diet colas) turned in a consistent 464.
The lines
Doremus--113, 104, 94: 311; avg 104 (new)
Kennedy--155, 158, 137: 450; avg 133 (+18)
Peitz--151, 167, 146: 464; avg 145 (+3)
Corathers--170, 149, 201: 520; avg 157 (+4)
Next week
The presumptiously named but apparently pretty good Champions (24-11).
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3 comments:
As usual, John de Conqueroo gives team captain Don Corathers the short shrift. I mean, 201? Let's give that some coverage. Friggin' A. He can totally kick Christ's...well, if Christ had an...you know what I mean.
Signed,
Friend of Lucifer
Dear F. of L.--
Corathers would probably get better coverage if it wasn't for his dismissive and disdainful treatment of the working press.
J. d. C.
I, for one, am impressed. Buy that man a Guinness.
John, aren't there some evangelicals who deserve your attention?
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